Mommy Jokes / Recent Jokes

One afternoon a little girl excitedly approached her mother,
and announced that she had learned where babies come from at
school that day. Amused, her mother replied, "Really, sweetie?
Why don't you tell me all about it?"

The little girl explained, "Well... OK... the mommy and daddy
take off all of their clothes, and the daddy's thing sort of
stands up, and the mommy puts it in her mouth, and then it
sort of explodes, and that's where babies come from."

Her mom shook her head, leaned over to meet her eye to eye,
and said, "Oh, honey, that's sweet, but that's not where
babies come from. That's where jewelry comes from."

Little Johnny is taking a shower with his mother and says, "Mom, what are those things on your chest!?" Unsure of how to reply, she tells Johnny to ask his dad at breakfast tomorrow, quite certain the matter would be forgotten. Johnny didn't forget. The following morning he asked his father the same question. His father, always quick with the answers, says, Why Johnny, those are balloons. When your mommy dies, we can blow them up and she'll float to heaven." Johnny thinks that's neat and asks no more questions. A few weeks later, Johnnys dad comes home from work a few hours early. Johnny runs out of the house crying hysterically, "Daddy! Daddy! Mommy's dying!!" His father says, "Calm down son! Why do you think Mommy's dying?" "Uncle Harry is blowing up Mommys balloons and she's screaming "Oh God, I'm coming!"

Little Johnny came running into the house bawling his eyes out and cradling his hand.
"Mommy, quick! Get me a glass of cider!" he wailed.
"Why do you want a glass of cider?" asked his mom.
"I cut my hand on a thorn, and I want the pain to go away."
Confused, but weary of the child's whining, the mother obliged and poured him a glass of cider. Little Johnny immediately dunked his hand in it.
"OUCH! It still hurts! This cider doesn't work!" he whined.
"What are you talking about?" asked Little Johnny's increasingly perplexed mommy, "What ever made you think that cider would ease your pain?"
"Well, I overheard my big sister say that whenever she gets a prick in her hand, she can't wait to get it in cider."

One day a sweet girl becomes puzzled about her origin.
"How'd I get here, Mommy?" she asks.
Her mother replies, using a well-worn phrase,"God sent you, Honey."
"And did God send you too, Mommy?"she continues.
"Yes, Sweetheart, he did."
"And Daddy, and Grandma and Grandpa, and their moms and dads too?"
"Yes, Honey, all of them, too."
The child shakes her head in disbelief.
"Then you're telling me there's been no sex in this family for over 200 years? No wonder everyone is so grouchy!

"Mommy," said the baby polar bear, "am I one hundred percent pure polar bear?"
"Of course you are, son," said his Daddy, "Why do you ask?"
"`Cause I`m f-f-f-freezing!"

A mother, accompanied by her small daughter, was in New York City.
The mother was trying to hail a cab, when her daughter noticed several wildly dressed women who were loitering on a nearby street corner.
The mother finally hailed her cab and they both climbed in, at which point the young daughter asks her mother, "Mommy, what are all those ladies waiting for by that corner?"
The mother replies, "Those ladies are waiting for their husbands to come by and pick them up on the way home from work."
The cabby, upon hearing this exchange, turns to the mother and says, "Ah, C'mon lady! Tell your daughter the truth! For crying out loud... They're hookers!"
A brief period of silence follows, and the daughter then asks, "Mommy, do the hooker ladies have any children?"
The mother replies, "Of course, Dear. Where do you think cabbies come from?"

If it is on, I must turn it off.
If it is off, I must turn it on.
If it is folded, I must unfold it.
If it is a liquid, it must be shaken, then spilled.
If it a solid, it must be crumbled, chewed or smeared.
If it is high, it must be reached.
If it is shelved, it must be unshelved.
If it is pointed, it must be run with at top speed.
If it has leaves, they must be picked.
If it is plugged, it must be unplugged.
If it is not trash, it must be thrown away.
If it is in the trash, it must be removed, inspected, and thrown on the floor.
If it is closed, it must be opened.
If it does not open, it must be screamed at.
If it has drawers, they must be rifled.
If it is a pencil, it must write on the refrigerator, monitor, or table.
If it is full, it will be more interesting emptied.
If it is empty, it will be more interesting full.
If it is a pile of dirt, it must be laid upon.
If it is stroller, it more...