Monkey Jokes / Recent Jokes

there was three professors and one day they asked each other i wonder what will happen if we put a cork up a elephants but. So thay didi it and they wated three months to see what would happen. Then they asked each other who will pull it out. 1st professor not me 2nd professor not me 3rd professor not me so they got a monkey to do it. 5 minuts later the reporters came and asked the three professors what happend 1st professor poo fling every where 2nd professor poo flying ever where 3rd professor poor monkey trying to put cork up elephants bumb

A guy walks in to a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking the monkey jumps all around the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them. Then he grabs some sliced limes and eats them. Then he jumps on to the pool table, grabs one of the billiard balls, sticks it in his mouth, and to everyone's amazement, and somehow swallows it whole.
The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey did?"
The guy says, "No, what?"
"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table - whole!"
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. "He eats everything in sight, the little bastard. Sorry. I'll pay for everything."
The man finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate and leaves.
Two weeks later, he's in the bar again, and his pet monkey is with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is finishing more...

Did you hear about the monkey who left bits of his lunch all over the computer?
His dad went bananas.

The pet store was selling them for five cents a piece. I thought this was odd since they were normally a couple thousand. I decided not to look a gift horse in the mouth so I bought 200 of them. I like monkeys.
I took my 200 monkeys home. I have a big car. I let one of drive. His name was Sigmund. He was retarded. In fact, none of them were really bright. They kept punching themselves in the genitals. I laughed. They punched me in the genitals. I stopped laughing.
I herded them into my room. They didn’t adapt very well to their new environment. They would screech and hurl themselves off the couch at high speeds and slam into the wall. Although humorous at first, the spectacle lost its novelty halfway into it’s third hour.
Two hours later I found out why all the monkeys were so inexpensive; they all died. No apparent reason. They all just sort of dropped dead. Kinda like when you buy a goldfish and it dies five hours later. Goddamn cheap monkeys.
I didn’t know more...

A wise monkey never monkeys with another monkeys monkey.

Scientists studying monkeys in South Africa found that the maleanimals were better able to learn a task when it was demonstrated by afemale. Well that explains why guys like watching porn with twowomen in it.

a woman gets on a bus with her baby. as she pays for her ticket, the bus driver says: thats the ugliest baby i have ever seen. ugh!

the woman sits down, fuming. she says to a man next to her: the driver just insulted me!

the man says: you shouldnt take that. you tell him off – go ahead, i will hold your monkey.