Monkey Jokes / Recent Jokes

A group of black men approach and say: can u tell me how to get to the trainstation please?
I say: certainly monkey face. U go past the cotton picking chimp, down past the crack house, round the burny cross, past the job centre, and its opposie the banana tree.
As I lay in hospital I'm thinking to my self thats the last time eat them fucking rowntrees randoms.

The author of this poem is unknown to me. I remember during my elementary school days being read this poem by a teacher who preferred the Biblical story of creation. This poem is an interesting example of the use of humor to persuade.
The monkeys viewpoint
Three monkeys sat is a cocoanut tree
Discussing things as they're said to be.
Said one to the others, "Now listen, you two,
There's a certain rumor that can't be true,
That man descends from our noble race -
The very idea is a disgrace.
No monkey ever deserted his wife,
Starved her babies and ruined her life;
And you've never knwon a mother monk
To leave her abies with others to bunk,
Or to pass them on from one to another
'Til they scarcely know who is their mother.
And another thing you'll never see -
A monk build a fence 'round a cocoanut tree
And let the cocanuts go to waste,
Forbidding all other monks to taste.
Wy, if I put a fence around this more...

NASA decided to send a shuttle into space with two monkeys and an astronaut. They trained them for months. Then when they thought they were all ready, they placed all three in the shuttle and got ready to send them up into space. As the moment came closer NASA's mission control center announced, ''This is mission control to Monkey One. Do your stuff.'' At that the first monkey started typing like mad and suddenly the shuttle's engines ignited and the shuttle took off. Two hours later NASA's mission control center announced, ''This is mission control to Monkey Two. Do your stuff.'' At that the second monkey started typing like mad and suddenly the shuttle seperated from the empty fuel tanks. Another two hours later NASA's mission control center announced, ''This is mission control to the astronaut...'' At this the astronaut shouted ''I know, I know. Feed the monkeys and don't touch anything.''

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he’s drinking, the monkey starts jumping all over the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps up on the pool table, grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.
The bartender screams at the guy, “Did you see what your monkey just did? ” The guy says, “No, what? ” “He just ate the cue ball off my pool table - whole! ” says the bartender. “Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me, ” replies the patron. “He eats everything in sight, the little twerp. I’ll pay for the cue ball and stuff. ” He finishes his drink, pays his bill, and leaves. Two weeks later he’s in the bar again, and he has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again.
While the man is drinking, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls more...

It seems that when God was making the world, he called man over and bestowed upon him twenty years of normal sex life. Man was horrified. "Only twenty years of normal sex life?" but the Lord was very adamant that was all man could have.

Then the Lord called the monkey and gave him twenty years. "But I don't need twenty years", he protested, "Ten is plenty for me." Man spoke up eagerly. "Can I have the other ten?" The monkey graciously agreed.

Then the Lord called the lion and gave him twenty years, and the lion, like the monkey, wanted only ten. Again the man spoke up, "Can I have the other ten?" The lion said of course he could.

Then came the donkey and he was given twenty years - but like the others, ten was sufficient - and again man pleaded, "Can I have the other ten?"

This explains why man has twenty years of normal sex life, plus ten years of monkeying around, ten years of more...

This will be documented in the new children's book "Curious George and the Random Bag-check."

Editor's note: Someone forwarded me this little essay, and although I really don't know the point, it's weird enough to warrant a posting.

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i like monkeys

the pet store was selling them for five cents a piece. i thought this was odd since they are normally a couple thousand. i decided not to look a gift horse in the mouth so i bought 200 of them. i like monkeys.

i took my 200 monkeys home. i have a big car. i let one drive. his name was signund. he was retarded. in fact, none of them were really bright. they kept punching themselves in the genitals. i laughed. they punched me in the genitals. i stopped laughing.

i herded them into my room. they didn't adapt very well to their new environment. they would screech and hurl themselves off the couch at high speeds and slam into the wall. altough humorous at first, the spectacle lost its novelty halfway into the third hour.

two hours later, i found out why all more...