Monkey Jokes / Recent Jokes
Start with a cage containing five monkeys. In the cage, hang a banana on a string and put a set of stairs under it. Before long, a monkey will go to the stairs and start to climb towards the banana. As soon as he touches the stairs, spray all of the monkeys with cold water. After awhile, another monkey makes an attempt with the same result. Pretty soon, when any monkey tries to climb the stairs, the other monkeys will try to prevent it.
Now, turn off the cold water. Remove one monkey from the cage and replace it with a new one. The new monkey sees the banana and wants to climb the stairs. To his horror, all of the other monkeys attack him. After another attempt and attack, he knows that if he tries to climb the stairs, he will be assaulted. Next, remove another of the original five monkeys and replace it with a new one. The newcomer goes to the stairs and is attacked. The previous newcomer takes part in the punishment with enthusiasm. Again, replace a third original monkey with a more...
A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he’s drinking the monkey jumps all around all over the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps on the pool table, grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.
The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?"
The guy says, "No what?"
"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table, whole!" Says the bartender.
"Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me," replied the patron. "He eats everything in sight. I will pay for the cue ball and stuff." He finishes his drink, pays his bill and leaves.
Two weeks later he’s in the bar again, and he has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is drinking his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino more...
A man walks into a pool hall with a monkey on his shoulder. He approaches a table to play a game, and sits the monkey down on the table. The monkey reaches into one of the pockets pulls out a ball, sniffs it, and then swallows it. The man calmly pays the owner for the lost ball and leaves.
The same man returns a week later with the same monkey. This time he sits at the bar for a drink, and the monkey takes a peanut from a tray then inserts it into his ass, then removes it and eats it. The bartender notices this and asks the man about the odd behavior.
The man replies "Ever since he swallowed that pool ball, he measures everything before he eats it".
God created the mule, and told him, "You are mule. You will work constantly from dusk to dawn, carrying heavy loads on your back. You will eat grass and lack intelligence. You will live for 35 years."
The mule answered, "To live like this for 35 years is too much. Please, give me no more than 20."
And it was so.
Then God created the dog, and told him, "You are dog. You will hold vigilance over the dwellings of Man, to whom you will be his greatest companion. You will eat his table scraps and live for 30 years."
The dog responded, "Lord, to live 30 years as a dog like that is too much. Please, no more than 10 years."
And it was so.
God then created the monkey, and told him, "You are monkey. You shall swing from tree to tree, acting like an idiot. You will be funny, and you shall live for 20 years."
The monkey responded, "Lord, to live 20 years as the clown more...
A female chimpanzee in a Louisiana sanctuary has given birth, despite the fact that the facility's entire male population has had vascectomies.
Evolutionary scientists marvel at the fact that monkeys have actually proven the virgin-birth theory.