Morty Jokes

Morty arrives home from work and as soon as he sets foot in the house, Sadie is on to him, telling him that their friend Marvin has finally quit smoking."Imagine that, Morty," she says, "Someone who smoked 3 packs a day for 20 years has stopped smoking all of a sudden. Now that's what I call will power - something that you definitely don't have."
But Sadie hadn't finished. "And that's not all. I hear that Bernie, that drunken friend of yours, is finally giving up drinking - another example of the kind of will power that you don't have."
"OK, Sadie," said Morty, "you want to see will power, do you? Well here's will power. I am going to sleep in the spare room from now on. I am going to prove to you that I won't be affected at all by not sleeping with a woman."
Morty keeps to his word.
One night, when he had been sleeping alone for a week, there is a knock on his bedroom door.
Morty shouts out, "What do you more...

Morty the producer dies and goes to purgatory. The agent behind the counter says "So Morty, what's it gonna be Heaven or Hell?" Morty asks, "What's the difference?" Sid says "Take a look at the monitor over here."
Morty goes to the monitor and sees scenes of heaven where people are quietly floating on clouds and playing harps in serene bliss. Morty turns to Sid and says "Well that's nice. Pretty boring but nice. What's Hell like?"
Sid tells him to look at the other monitor. Morty does and sees scenes of young people having sex and dancing and smoking and drinking and laughing and singing and generally having a great time.
"This is great!" says Morty. "I think I'll try Hell." Sid directs him to the elevator and instructs him to push the down arrow. Morty does so and waits for the elevator to take him to hell.
When the car stops at hell the doors spring open. Morty looks around from the elevator doorway and more...

Morty the producer dies and goes to purgatory. The agent behind the counter says "So Morty, whats it gonna be Heaven or Hell?" Morty asks, "Whats the difference?" Sid says "Take a look at the monitor over here." Morty goes to the monitor and sees scenes of heaven where people are quietly floating on clouds and playing harps in serene bliss. Morty turns to Sid and says "Well thats nice. Pretty boring but nice. Whats Hell like?" Sid tells him to look at the other monitor. Morty does and sees scenes of young people having sex and dancing and smoking and drinking and laughing and singing and generally having a great time. "This is great!" says Morty. "I think Ill try Hell." Sid directs him to the elevator and instructs him to push the down arrow. Morty does so and waits for the elevator to take him to hell. When the car stops at hell the doors spring open. Morty look s around from the elevator doorway and is shocked at what he more...

Morty and Saul, are out one afternoon on a lake when their boat starts sinking.
Saul the banker says to Morty, "So listen, Morty, you know I don't swim so well."
Morty remembered how to carry another swimmer from his lifeguard class when he was just a kid. So Morty is begins tugging Saul toward shore. After twenty minutes, he begins to tire. Finally about 50 feet from shore, Morty asks Saul, "So Saul, do you suppose you could float alone?"
Saul replies, "Morty, this is a hell of a time to be asking for money!"

Morty the producer dies and goes to purgatory. The agent behind the counter says "So Morty, what's it gonna be Heaven or Hell?" Morty asks, "What's the difference?" Sid says "Take a look at the monitor over here."

Morty goes to the monitor and sees scenes of heaven where people are quietly floating on clouds and playing harps in serene bliss. Morty turns to Sid and says "Well that's nice. Pretty boring but nice. What's Hell like?"

Sid tells him to look at the other monitor. Morty does and sees scenes of young people having sex and dancing and smoking and drinking and laughing and singing and generally having a great time.

"This is great!" says Morty. "I think I'll try Hell." Sid directs him to the elevator and instructs him to push the down arrow. Morty does so and waits for the elevator to take him to hell.

When the car stops at hell the doors spring open. Morty looks around from more...