Moved Jokes / Recent Jokes
Dear
Redneck Son;
I'm writing this letter slow because I know you can't
read fast.
We don't live where we did when you left home. Your
dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen
within 20 miles from your home, so we moved.
I won't be able to send you the address because the
last Arkansas family that lived here took the house
numbers when they moved so that they wouldn't have
to change their address.
This place is really nice. It even has a washing
machine. I'm not sure it works so well though: last
week I put a load in and pulled the chain and haven't
seen them since.
The weather isn't bad here. It only rained twice
last week; the first time for three days and the second
time for four days.
About that coat you wanted me to send you, your Uncle
Stanley said it would be to heavy to send in the mail
with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them
in the pockets.
John locked his keys in more...
I'm writing this letter slow because I know you can't read fast. We
don't live where we did when you left home. Your dad read in the
newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles from home, so we
moved. I won't be able to send you the address because the last
Arkansas family that lived here took the house numbers when they moved
so they wouldn't have to change their address.
This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not sure
it works so well though. Last week I put a load in and pulled the
chain and haven't seen them since.
The weather isn't bad here. It only rained twice last week, the first
time for three days and the second time for four days.
About that coat you wanted me to send you, your Uncle Stanley said it
would be too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut
them off and put them in the pockets.
John locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really worried
because it more...
A young family moved into a house next door to a vacant lot. One day a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot. The young familys 6 year old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and started talking with the workers. She hung around and eventually the construction crew - gems in the rough, all of them - more or less adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important. At the end of the first week they even presented her with a pay envelope containing a dollar. The little girl took this home to her mother who said all the appropriate words of admiration and suggested that they take the dollar pay she had received to the bank the next day to start a savings account. When they got to the bank the teller was equally impressed with the story and asked the little girl how she had more...
A New York City yuppie moved to the country and bought a piece of land. He went to the local feed and livestock store and talked to the proprietor about how he was going to take up chicken farming. He then asked to buy 100 chicks."That's a lot of chicks," commented the proprietor. "I mean business," the city slicker replied. A week later the yuppie was back again. "I need another 100 chicks," he said. "Boy, you are serious about this chicken farming," the man told him."Yeah," the yuppie replied. "If I can iron out a few problems." "Problems?" asked the proprietor. "Yeah," replied the yuppie, "I think I planted that last batch too close together."
The preacher was wired for sound with a lapel mike, and as he preached, he moved briskly about the platform, jerking the mike cord as he went.
Then he moved to one side, getting wound up in the cord and nearly tripping before jerking it again.
After several circles and jerks, a little girl in the third pew leaned toward her mother and whispered, "If he gets loose, will he hurt us?"
A blonde wanted to go ice fishing. She’d seen many books on the subject, and finally, after getting all the necessary “tools” together, she made for the nearest frozen lake. After positioning her comfy stool, she started to make a circular cut in the ice.
Suddenly, from the sky, a voice boomed, “THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!!!!!! ”
Startled, the blonde moved further down the ice, poured a Thermos of cappuccino and began to cut another hole in the ice.
Again from the heavens, the voice bellowed, “THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!!!!! ”
The blonde, now quite worried, moved down to the opposite end of the ice, set up her stool, and tried again to cut her hole in the ice.
The voice came once more, “FOR THE LAST TIME, THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!!!! ”
She stopped, looked skyward, and said, “Is that you, Lord? ”
The voice replied, “NO you idiot! …this is the Ice-Rink Manager. ”
(actual trial)
A young woman who was several months pregnant boarded a bus. When she noticed a young man smiling at her she began feeling humiliated on account of her condition. She changed her seat and he seemed more amused. She moved again and then on her fourth move he burst out laughing. She had him arrested and when the case came before the court this was the man's reply when asked why he acted in such a manner:
"When the lady boarded the bus I couldn't help noticing she was pregnant. She sat under an advertisement which read "Coming Soon The Gold Dust Twins", then she moved under one that read "Sloans Liniments remove Swelling". I was even more amused when she sat under a shaving advertisment which read "William Stick Did The Trick". Then I could not control myself any longer when on the fourth move she sat under an advertisment which read "Dunlop Rubber would have prevented this accident."
He won the more...