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A Player's Guide For Keeping Conductors In Line 2

6. Ask for a re-audition or seating change. Ask often. Give the impression you're about to quit. Let the conductor know you're there as a personal favor.
7. Pluck the strings as if you are checking tuning at every opportunity, especially when the conductor is giving instructions. Brass players: drop mutes. Percussionists have a wide variety of dropable items, but cymbals are unquestionably the best because they roll around for several seconds.
8. Loudly blow water from the keys during pauses (Horn, oboe and clarinet players are trained to do this from birth).
9. Long after a passage has gone by, ask the conductor if your C# was in tune. This is especially effective if you had no C# or were not playing at the time. (If he catches you, pretend to be correcting a note in your part.)
10. At dramatic moments in the music (while the conductor is emoting) be busy marking your music so that the climaxes will sound empty and disappointing.
11. Wait until well into a more...

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The Piccolo

A man is walking around the streets of New York one day when he spies an old friend of his from college.

"Boris!" he yells. "I haven't seen you in ages! How have you been?"

"Well," Boris replies. "I am the piccolo player for the International Orchestra."

"Spectacular!" the man replies.

"It is not what you might think, my friend. We play for the king of England, he loves the music. He says' Fill the instruments with gold!' and they fill the tuba with gold and they fill the trombone with gold, and me with the goddamn piccolo."

"We play for the queen of France. She loves the music; she says' Fill the instruments with silver!' and they fill the tuba with silver and they fill the trombone with silver, and me with the goddamn piccolo."

"Then we play for the Czar of Russia. He hates the music; he say' Shove the instruments up their asses!' and the tuba more...