Musician Jokes / Recent Jokes

Doesn't know how to adjust mic stand-$15
Can't figure out how to connect cable to mic-$15
Takes up over an hour getting EQ setting on monitors-$50
Still gripes about EQ setting on monitors-$75
Lays mic down on stage and walks off stage-$15
Lays mic down facing kick drum-$20
Lays mic down facing guitar amp-$25
Lays mic down facing monitor-$50
Points mic toward monitor-causing feedback during song-$75
Straight arms mic when singing-$15
Drops mic-$10
Leaves lipstick all over mic-$100
Doesn't have set list-$10
Doesn't have keys on set list-$15
Doesn't have original songs charted-$20

An eight-year-old kid says to his dad, "When I grow up, I want to be a musician."
The dad says, "I am sorry -- can`t have it both ways."

A guy walks into a shop.
"You got one of them Marshall Hiwatt AC30 amplificatior thingies and a Gibson StratoBlaster geetar with a Fried Rose tremulo?"
"You're a drummer, aren't you?"
"Yeah. How'd you know?"
"This is a travel agency."

A musician calls the orchestra office, asks for the conductor, and is told that he is dead.The musician calls back 25 times more and gets the same message from receptionist.She asks why he keeps calling. He replies, "I just like to hear you say it."

Doesn't know key to songs-$10
Doesn't know when to come in-$15
Modulates without informing band-$20
Continues singing in old key after song modulates-$30
Forgets original singer of song-$10
Dances great but sings off key and out of time-$30
Gets off key singing acapella-$200
Stands onstage but doesn't sing harmonies-$30
Sings bad harmonies-$35
Sings harmonies already contributed by band member in song-$40
Stops song halfway through and starts over-$25
Forgets to sing bridge-$20
Forgets words-$20
Sings verses out of order in song-$15
Makes up 4th verse to 3 verse song-$100
Holds words to song while singing onstage-$20
Looks at pager while singing song-$10
Sings consistently flat-$25
Sings consistently sharp-$25
Sings too softly-$5
Just plain ol' CANNOT SING, but buys band a round of drinks - No Charge
Sings "Stand By Your Man" in the key of A-$30
Wants to sing more...

Did you hear about the classical pianist who was not a good speller? When she went out to buy something she left a sign on her door that said: "Out Chopin. Be Bach in a minuet"

Leaves stage when not singing lead vocal-$20
Holds guitar, but doesn't play-$15
Plays guitar but plays wrong chords, not plugged in-$25
Plays guitar, wrong chords, plugged in-$250
Plays tambourine-$10
Plays tambourine out of time-$50
Leaves tambourine, drink, charts, entertainer's secrets laying all over stage-$25
Plays harmonica solo during song-$100
Tells jokes over mic-$5
Tells bad jokes over mic-$50
Tells bad joke and then laughing hysterically about it over mic-$500
Leaves stage to argue with boyfriend-$35
Argues with band members onstage-$150
Argues offstage with boyfriend musician-$175
Argues onstage with boyfriend musician-$200
Gripes at band onstage-$20
Gripes at band onstage over mic-$75
Walks off stage to use cell phone on gig-$15
Uses cell phone on stage during gig-$30
Powders nose, sprays perfume, sprays hairspray, freshens up lipstick on stage-$15
Thousand dollar outfit, more...