Musician Jokes / Recent Jokes

How does a guitar player make a million dollars?
He starts out with eight million.

by Donn Laurence Mills
If there were a basic training manual for orchestra players, it might include ways to practice not only music, but one-upmanship. It seems as if many young players take pride in getting the conductor's goat. The following rules are intended as a guide to the development of habits that will irritate the conductor. (Variations and additional methods depend upon the imagination and skill of the player.) Never be satisfied with the tuning note. Fussing about the pitch takes attention away from the podium and puts it on you, where it belongs. When raising the music stand, be sure the top comes off and spills the music on the floor. Complain about the temperature of the rehearsal room, the lighting, crowded space, or a draft. It's best to do this when the conductor is under pressure. Look the other way just before cues. Never have the proper mute, a spare set of strings, or extra reeds. Percussion players must never have all their equipment. Ask for a re-audition more...

Late for gig-$30
Dates a musician in the band-$50
Dates the drummer-$150
Sets foot on a Karaoke stage-$20
Sings on a Karaoke stage-$50
Uses fictitious last name-$50
Falls for so-called producer she meets on gig, "Hey baby, I'll make you a STAR"-$20
Dumps management, band, etc. after making the big time-$10, 000
Hates the phrase "chick singer"-$500

THE STAR SPANGLED BANNER FROM THE PERCUSSIONIST'S PERSPECTIVE
Oh, say can you BOOM, CRASH
By the dawn's early BOOM, CRASH
What so proudly we BOOM, CRASH
At the twilight's last gleaming?
Whose broad stripes and bright BOOM, CRASH
Through the perilous BOOM, CRASH
O'er the ramparts we BOOM, CRASH
Were so gallantly streaming? 3 &
1... 2... 3...
2... 2... 3...
3... 2... 3...
4... 2... 3...
5... 2... 3...
6... 2... 3...
7... 2... 3...
8... 2... Oh,
BOOM BOOM BOOM
BOOM BOOM BOOM
BOOM BOOM BOOM
BOOM BOOOOOMMMM; BOOM
BOOM BOOM BOOM
BOOM BOOOOOMMMM; BOOM
BOOM BOOM BOOM
BOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!

"I Wouldn't Take You to a Dog Fight Even If I Thought You Could Win"
"My John Deere Was Breaking Your Field, While Your Dear John Was Breaking My Heart"
"I Liked You Better Before I Knew You So Well"
"I Still Miss You, Baby, But My Aim's Gettin' Better"
"Her Teeth Was Stained, But Her Heart Was Pure"
"I Wish I Were in Dixie Tonight, But She's Out of Town"
"You May Put Me In Prison, But You Can't Keep My Face From Breakin' Out"

Flutes: If you are a flute player then you're probably smart, strong, out-going, and have a lot of friends. But you might want to watch out for low brass players because some of them may not enjoy your high pitched melodies.
Compatibility: Trumpets, clarinets and saxophone players are OK, but stay clear from tuba players.

Clarinet: If you play the clarinet then you're most likely to be strong, and strong-willed, skilled and talented, smart, and of course, romantic. The future is always in your past and the past is always in your future. As the same for flute players, watch out for the low brass section. Compatibility: Flutes, trumpet and French horn players are advised.

Oboe: If the oboe is your skill then you are smart, very talented, well rounded, cunning, dexterous, and clever. Beware of clarinets though, because its just genetic for them to dislike you. Compatibility: Flutes, French horns, and trumpet players are all right, but steer clear from clarinets.

Bassoon: If you play the bassoon, then congratulations, you could probably get a scholarship where-ever you want. The "requirements" of a bassoon player is being smart, flexible durability, expressive, affected, and pulchritude. Your biggest concern is the trombones, because when you are not there, they have to play your cues.
Compatibility: Clarinets, oboes, French horns, trumpets are OK, but reflect the trombones.

Bass Clarinet: If you play this instrument then you are smart, fun, outgoing, "wild", open-minded, and talented. You really don't have any concerns to think about, so have fun! Compatibility: Whatever you choose.

Saxophone: Saxophone players can vary. You can get all different shapes and sizes of saxophones that it's not even funny! Basically, what all saxophone players have in common is they're all gifted. But beware of trumpet players for their music is not always as cool as yours. Compatibility: Clarinets, other saxophones, more...