Nasty Jokes / Recent Jokes
The big list of fun stuff to do in that boring ol' courtroom of law...
1. Bring a cell phone and order a pizza when the judge starts talking.
2. Bring a zip-lock bag full of grapes and launch a few at the defendant when the judge isn't looking.
3. Giggle uncontrollably when they show the evidence, if any blood is present.
4. If they ever bring up the possibility of an accomplice, duck your head and quiver.
5. Stand up and yell "OBJECTION!" to everything the judge says. EVERYTHING.
6. If you're the defendant, wait until the judge starts talking about you. Proceed to hide under your table.
7. If anybody attempts to communicate with you in any way, stare off into space and blow spit bubbles.
8. Sing "The Song That Never Ends" incessantly.
9. Get the judge to look at you. Lick your lips and motion that you'll "call him/her."
10. Actually call him/her.
11. Bring a kazoo.
12. Act like you're doing something more...
This guys is sitting at the end of a bar. Each time someone comes in the door he says, rapidly,"Tickle your ass with a feather?" At which point they usually ask him what it was he said, and he then says, "Terribly nasty weather." They then go off looking confused. A drunk a few stools down observes this and finally says, "Say, buddy, I see what'cher doin'- you're putting people on! When somebody comes in the door you say, Tickle your ass with a feather, and when they say, What did you say to me? you say, terribly nasty weather." So the guy says to the drunk, "Yeah, it's fun putting people on. Come on down here and you do the next one that comes in." The drunk moves down to the end of the bar. In a few moments a person enters, and he says to her: "Stick a feather up your ass? She said,
"I'd like something cheap and nasty for my mother-in-law's birthday." said the customer.
The assistant thought for a moment and then said, "I've got the very thing, sir."
"What's that?"
"My father-in-law."
A little girl and her mother are walking through a park and see two teenagers having sex on a bench. The little girl asks her mother what they're are doing. After a moments hesitation, the mother replies "They're making cakes."
The next day the little girl and her mother go to the zoo. The little girl sees two monkeys having sex, and again asks her mother what they are doing. The mother again uses the same answer "They're making cakes."
The next morning the little girl says to her mother "Mummy, You and Daddy were making cakes on the lounge last night."
The Mother replies " How do you know?"
The girl says "I licked the icing off the sofa!"
What is it when a man talks nasty to a woman?
Sexual harassment.
What is it when a woman talks nasty to a man?
3.99 a minute.
SO GREASY
Yo momma's so greasy she used bacon as a band-aid!
Yo momma's so greasy she sweats Crisco!
Yo momma's so greasy Texaco buys Oil from her!
SO NASTY
Yo momma's so nasty, she made speed stick slow down!
Yo momma's so nasty, she brings crabs to the beach!
Yo momma's so nasty, she made the right guard turn left!
Yo momma's so nasty, the fishery paid her to leave!
Yo momma's so nasty, she has to creep up on bathwater!
Yo momma's so nasty, she pours salt water down her pants to keep her crabs fresh!
Yo momma's so nasty, I called her to say hello, and she ended up giving me an ear infection.
SO POOR
Yo momma's so poor, when I saw her kicking a can down the street, I asked her what she was doing, and she said, "Moving!"
Yo momma's so poor, she can't afford to pay attention!
Yo momma's so poor, when I ring the door bell, I hear the toilet flush!
Yo momma's so poor, when she goes to KFC, she has to lick other more...
Should you receive an email entitled "Badtimes", delete it immediately. Do NOT open it. Apparently, this is a pretty nasty one.
Not only will it erase everything on your hard drive, it will also delete anything on disks within 20 feet of your computer.
It will demagnetize the strips on ALL of your credit cards.
It will reprogram your ATM access code, screw up the tracking on your VCR and use subspace field harmonics to scratch any CDs you may attempt to play.
It will program your phone auto dial to call only your mother-in-law's number.
It will not only remove the forbidden tags from your mattresses and pillows, but will also refill your skim milk with whole milk.
It will rewrite your backup files, changing all your active verbs to passive tense and incorporating undetectable misspellings which will grossly change the interpretations of key sentences.
Should the "Badtimes" message be opened in a Windows 98 environment, it will leave the more...