Nasty Jokes

The three words most hated by men during sex:' 'Are you done?'' The three words women hate to hear when having sex...''Honey, I'm home!''
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Q: What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
A: 45 lbs.
Q: What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
A: 45 minutes
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Q: What is it when a man talks nasty to a woman?
A: Sexual harassment
Q: What is it when a woman talks nasty to a man?
A: $3.99 a minute
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One sperm says to the other,' 'How far is it to the ovaries?'' The other one says,' 'Relax. We just passed the tonsils.''
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Did you hear about the new blonde paint? It's not real bright, but it's cheap, and spreads easy.
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Q: How can you tell if your wife is dead?
A: The sex is the same, but the dishes pile up.
Q: How can you tell if your husband is dead?
A: The sex is the same, but you get the remote.
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Q: If the dove is the bird of peace, more...

Yo mama's teeth are so yellow her tonsils got a sunburn!

A cavalry batallion has just been assigned a new Sargeant. The guy is a mean s.o.b. who wants to whip the troops into shape. He commands that they clean up the base.
Right before he leaves, the sargeant sees this ratty old nasty horse and says, "And for God's sakes... get rid of this old horse".
Later that night a private comes to the sargeant and pleads his case. "Sarge, I know that old horse is nasty but there's no women around and the old horse is the only thing we got."
The sargeant sympathizes and allows them to keep the horse. A few weeks later the sarge is gettin' the old itch, so he decides he's gonna' give it a shot. He says, "Private... prepare the horse".
He gets up on a stool and really has his way with this horse. When he finishes he says, "So private, is that the way the men do it?"
The private responds, "Well Sir... we usually ride it into town to the whorehouse but I guess that could work too..."

30 Nasty Things A Woman Can Say To A Naked Man
1. I've smoked fatter joints than that.
2. Ahhhh, it's cute.
3. Why don't we just cuddle?
4. You know they have surgery to fix that.
5. Make it dance.
6. Can I paint a smiley face on it?
7. Wow, and your feet are so big.
8. It's OK, we'll work around it.
9. Will it squeak if I squeeze it?
10. Oh no... a flash headache.
11. (giggle and point)
12. Can I be honest with you?
13. How sweet, you brought incense.
14. This explains your car.
15. Maybe if we water it, it'll grow.
16. Why is God punishing me?
17. At least this won't take long.
18. I never saw one like that before.
19. But it still works, right?
20. It looks so unused.
21. Maybe it looks better in natural light.
22. Why don't we skip right to the cigarettes?
23. Are you cold?
24. If you get me real drunk first.
25. Is that an optical illusion?
26. What is that?
27. It's a good more...

The big list of fun stuff to do in that boring ol' courtroom of law...
1. Bring a cell phone and order a pizza when the judge starts talking.
2. Bring a zip-lock bag full of grapes and launch a few at the defendant when the judge isn't looking.
3. Giggle uncontrollably when they show the evidence, if any blood is present.
4. If they ever bring up the possibility of an accomplice, duck your head and quiver.
5. Stand up and yell "OBJECTION!" to everything the judge says. EVERYTHING.
6. If you're the defendant, wait until the judge starts talking about you. Proceed to hide under your table.
7. If anybody attempts to communicate with you in any way, stare off into space and blow spit bubbles.
8. Sing "The Song That Never Ends" incessantly.
9. Get the judge to look at you. Lick your lips and motion that you'll "call him/her."
10. Actually call him/her.
11. Bring a kazoo.
12. Act like you're doing something more...