Neighbor Jokes / Recent Jokes

The "Two Cow Explanation" of what makes...
A Christian Democrat: You have two cows. You keep one and give one to your neighbor.
A Socialist (or a Canadian New Democrat): You have two cows. The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor.
A Republican (or a Canadian Conservative): You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. So what?
A Democrat (or a Canadian Liberal): You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. You feel guilty for being successful. You vote people into office who tax your cows, forcing you to sell one to raise money to pay the tax. The people you voted for then take the tax money and buy a cow and give it to your neighbor. You feel righteous.
A Communist: You have two cows. The government seizes both and provides you with milk.
A Fascist: You have two cows. The government seizes both and sells you the milk. You join the underground and start a campaign of sabotage.
Democracy, American Style: You have two cows. The more...

A man is sitting on his front stoop staring morosely at the ground when his neighbour strolls over. The neighbor tries to start a conversation several times, but the older man barely responds. Finally, the neighbor asks what the problem is."Well," the man says, "I ran afoul of one of those questions women ask. Now I'm in the doghouse.""What kind of question?" the neighbor asks."My wife asked me if I would still love her when she was old, fat and ugly.""That's easy," says the neighbor. "You just say, 'Of course I will"'."Yeah," says the other man, "that's what I meant to say. But what came out was, 'Of course I do."'

Little Tim was in the garden filling in a hole when his neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to, he politely asked, "Whatcha doing, Tim?"
"My goldfish died," replied the boy tearfully, without looking up. "And I've just buried him."
The neighbor was concerned. "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?"
Tim patted down the last heap of earth then replied, "That's because he's inside your cat."

A Cynics Guide to Life:

The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.

I believe for every drop of rain that falls, a flower grows. And a foundation leaks and a ball game gets rained out and a car rusts and...

Follow your dream! Unless it's the one where you're at work in your underwear during a fire drill.

Always take time to stop and smell the roses... and sooner or later, you'll inhale a bee.

Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either, just leave me alone.

If you don't like my driving, don't call anyone. Just take another road. That's why the highway department made so many of them.

If a motorist cuts you off, just turn the other cheek. Nothing gets the message across like a good mooning.

When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor's dog run to the end of his chain more...

Some people may think this joke is only funny to "senior citizens." I
think not. My parents heard it at an elder hostel in New Mexico this summer.
Seems that this old couple are having trouble remembering things, so
they sign up for a memory course. The course is wonderful; they come
home and tell all their relatives, friends, and neighbors about it.
Some months later, a neighbor approaches the man as he tends the
garden.
Neighbor: Say, Ed, what was the name of the instructor of that memory
course you liked so much?
Ed: Well, it was...hmmm...let me think a minute...
What's the name of that flower, you know, the one that smells so
nice, but has thorns on the stems...?
Neighbor: You mean a rose?
Ed: Yeah, that's it...(shouting toward house) Hey, Rose, what was the
memory course instructor's name?

How to Tell if You're a GrinchThis is a set of essential personality tests to prepare you misfit readers for Christmas and your New Year's resolutions:1. You reuse last year's Christmas cards and send them out under your own name (5 points).2. You steal light bulbs from you neighbor's outdoor display to replenish your own supply (5 points, 10 if neighbor's whole light sets or lighted Santa goes out).3. You have dressed a dog or cat as Santa Claus, elf helper, or reindeer (10 points for each; if you dressed an endangered species, 5 extra points).4. You put out last year's stale candy canes for children (1 point for each piece of sticky candy). If you put out a chocolate or marzipan Santa also, add 10 points.5. You enclose a shoddy and inferior gift from Target, Walmart, or K-Mart in a Bloomingdale's or other prestige box to impress your friends (5 points for each infraction).6. You make collect long distance phone calls to your family on Christmas day (5 points, 10 if from a cell more...

A guy rings neighbor's doorbell & a lovely blonde woman answers the door.
"Is Ed here?" he asks.
"Yes, but he's in the shower," she says.
"I really need to see him but I am in quite a rush, and I can only wait a couple of minutes," he says. As he waits, he continues, "being your neighbor, it might be wrong of me to say so, but my dear... you have the loveliest rack. I've got $100 if you'll show me."
"Oh Mike, that is so wrong. On the other hand, we sure could use the money," she says as she pulls up her top.
"Wow! That was worth every cent, but beyond that you also have the cutest ass I've ever seen. I'll give you another $100 to show me the rest of your stuff."
"Oh Mike, that's awful but Ed's in the shower so he won't know and another $100 really would help around here," she says, dropping her shorts.
"Well I gotta go. Tell Ed I stopped by, OK?" Mike leaves, and a few minutes more...