New Year Jokes

A friend asks his friend for a cigarette. His friend says, "I think you made a New Year resolution to quit smoking". The man says, " I am in the process of quitting". Right now, I am in the middle of phase one. What's phase one? I've quit buying.

A friend asks his friend for a cigarette.

His friend says, "I think you made a New Year resolution to quit smoking".

The man says, " I am in the process of quitting". Right now, I am in the middle of phase one.

What's phase one?

I've quit buying.

At a friend's wedding, everything went smoothly until it was time for the flower girl and her young escort to come down the aisle.
The boy stopped at every pew, growling at the guests. When asked afterward why he behaved so badly, he explained, "I was just trying to be a good ring bear."

Jesus and Saint Peter are golfing. St. Peter steps up to the tee on a par three and hits one long and straight. It reaches the green.
Jesus is up next. He slices it. It heads over the fence into traffic on an adjacent street. Bounces off a truck, onto the roof of a nearby shack and into the rain gutter, down the drain spout and onto a lilly pad at the edge of a lake. A frog jumps up and snatches the ball in his mouth. An eagle swoops down, grabs the frog. As the eagle flies over the green, the frog croaks and drops the ball. It’s in the hole.
Saint Peter looks at Jesus, exasperated. "Are you gonna play golf?" he asks "Or are you just gonna fuck around?"

A young man at a New Year’s party turns to his
friend and asks for a cigarette.

'I thought you made a New Year’s resolution to quit
smoking,' his friend says.

'I'm in the process of quitting,' the man says.

'Right now, I am in the middle of phase one.'

'What's phase one?'

'I've quit buying.'