Newspaper Jokes / Recent Jokes
Compiled by Harold Reynolds and updated on December 6, 1994
1. Introduction
The following is a manual of guidelines for the busy cat(s) who will have a house to manage after adopting one or more humans. It is, of course, impossible to cover all possible situations, as those humans are always up to some sort of mischief, but the compiler and contributors to this guide have endeavoured to cover as wide a variety of topics as possible. It is important that this document be kept out of the hands of humans, who will undoubtedly find a way to use it to their advantage.
2. Food
In order to get the energy to sleep, play, and hamper, a cat must eat. Eating, however, is only half the fun. The other half is getting the food. Cats have two ways to obtain food: convincing a human you are starving to death and must be fed now; and hunting for it oneself. The following are some guidelines for getting fed.
a) When the humans are eating, make sure more...
Sandy McDonald, a long time and respected resident of a small Scottish town, passed away.
His wife, Maggie, went to the newspaper to place an obituary. She asked how much it would be. When the newspaper man told her, she was a little shocked by the price.
She asked him, "Since Sandy was such a highly regarded resident of this town, couldn't you do it for nothing?"
"No", said the man. "But, I will give you three words, free."
Maggie answered, "Well, we could just say,' McDonald is dead."
The newspaper man, then said, "I have just been thinking. Since Sandy was such a highly respected resident of our town, I think I could make that six words, free."
"Oh," said Maggie. "Then we could say, "McDonald is dead. Bicycle for sale."
Q: Why did the deaf blonde sit on a newspaper?
A: So she could lip read.
There was a women, very pretty, but a had hard time meeting guys, who lived by herself. One day she was reading the newspaper when she came across a singles ad. That popped an idea into her head. She said to herself, "I can put one of these in here and find me the perfect man," so she did.
The ad said, "I'm a single woman searching for a man to spend the rest of my life with. A man who will not hit me, who will not walk out on me, and most importantly, must satisfy me in bed."
She put the ad in the paper and hoped for the best. One week later, she heard the doorbell ring; she opened the door. There sat a man in a wheelchair, with no arms or legs. She said, "May I help you?" The man said, "I'm here in response to the ad."
Surprised, she asked, "Do you have what I am looking for in a man?" and the man said, "Well, I have no hands, so I can't hit you; I have no feet, so I can't walk out on you."
She asked, more...
Actual Newspaper Headlines (collected by journalists)
1. Something Went Wrong In Jet Crash, Expert Says
2. Police Begin Campaign To Run Down Jaywalkers
3. Saftey Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted
4. Drunk Gets Nine Months In Violin Case
5. Survivor Of Siamese Twins Joins Parents
6. Farmer Bill Dies In House
7. Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
8. Is There A Ring Of Debris Around Uranus?
9. Stud Tires Out
10. Prostitutes Appeal To Pope
11. Panda Mating Fails: Veterinarian Takes Over
12. Soviet Virgin Lands Short Of Goal Again
13. British Left Waffles On Falkland Islands
14. Lung Cancer In Women Mushrooms
15. Eye Drops Off Shelf
16. Teacher Strikes Idle Kids
17. Reagan Wins On Budget, But More Lies Ahead
18. Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim
19. Shot Off Woman's Leg Helps Nicklaus to 66
20. Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Ax
21. Plane Too Close To Ground, Crash Probe Told
22. more...
Two thieves robbed a bank and were going to their hideout.
1st Thief: Let's count the money.
2nd Thief: Forget it. We will read it in tomorrow's newspaper.