Newspaper Jokes / Recent Jokes

Mrs. Smith has three daughters who are all getting married within the same month. She tells each one of her daughters to write back about their married life.

To avoid possible embarrassment to their new husbands by openly discussing their love lives, the mother and daughters agree to using newspaper advertisements as a "code" to let the mother know how their love lives are going.

The first one gets married and the second day a telegram arrives with a single message, simply: "MAXWELL COFFEE HOUSE."

Mrs. Smith gets the newspaper and checks the Maxwell Coffee House advertisement, and it says: "Good to the last drop..." So, Mrs. Smith is happy.

Then the second daughter gets married. After a week, there is a postcard that reads: "ROTHMAN'S MATTRESSES." So, Mrs. Smith looks at the Rothman's Mattresses ad, and it says: "FULL SIZE, KING SIZE." And Mrs. Smith is happy.

Then it is the third more...

Jake and Saul are 2 old retired widowers who reside close to each other and do constant welfare checks on each other. Much of their relationship is based on pragmatism rather than real friendship or personal affection.

One day, as he drinks his morning coffee, Saul opens the morning paper and turn to the Obituaries page. He gets the shock of his life when he sees his obituary in the column. He realizes that the query for info on him by the local newspaper several months earlier, was in preparation for this event. He then correctly surmises that it is a mistaken entry from their database, premature and erroneous. It still excites and rankles him, so he calls Jake up.

"Jake, are you up yet?"

Jake sleepily answers; "Yeah, but I'm only now starting my coffee."

"Jake. open the newspaper to page 31."

"Why, what's in the paper?"

"Jake, get the paper and open it to page 31 more...

Q. Is it possible to kill a mother-in-law with newspaper? A. Yes, if you wrap an iron in it.

A woman goes into the local newspaper office to see that theobituary for her recently deceased husband is published. Afterthe editor informs her that the fee for the obituary is 50cents a word, she pauses, reflects and then says, "Well, then, let it read 'Fred Brown died'."Confounded at the woman's thrift, the editor stammers that thereis a 7-word minimum for all obituaries. The woman pauses again, counts on her fingers and replies, "In that case, 'Fred Browndied: 1983 Pick-up for sale'."

A priest and a rabbi found themselves sharing a compartment on a train.
After a while, the priest put down his book and opened a conversation by saying, "I know that in your religion, you're not supposed to eat pork... but have you really never even tasted it?"
The rabbi closed his newspaper and responded, "I must tell you the truth. Yes, I have, on the odd occasion."
The rabbi had his turn of interrogation: "I know that in your religion, you're supposed to be celibate, but..."
The priest interjected, "Yes, I know what you are going to ask, and yes, I have succumbed to temptation once or twice."
The two resumed their reading. It was silent for a while.
Then the rabbi peeked around his newspaper with a smile and said, "Better than pork, isn't it?"

Sarah was reading a newspaper, while her husband was engrossed in a magazine. Suddenly, she burst out laughing. "Listen to this," she said. "There's a classified ad here where a guy is offering to swap his wife for a season ticket to the stadium." "Hmmm," her husband said, not looking up from his magazine. Teasing him, Sarah said, "Would you swap me for a season ticket?" "Absolutely not," he said. "How sweet," Sarah said. "Tell me why not." "Season's more than half over," he said.

“Hey, bartender, ” says a customer, sitting at the bar. “What kind of bird is that sitting on the perch? ”
“Oh, ” says Bob the bartender, “that’s a Crunchy Bird! ”
“I never heard of a Crunchy Bird, ” says the patron.
“Just watch, ” says Bob. He takes a newspaper off the bar and throws it down on the floor, then he turns to the bird and says, “Crunchy Bird, my paper! ” The bird swoops down and attacks the newspaper. He rips it to shreds until there’s nothing left but tiny pieces of confetti.
“Wow, ” says the customer, “can I try? ”
“Be my guest, ” the bartender replies.
The customer takes off his shoe and puts it on the bar and says, “Crunchy Bird, my shoe! ” The bird flies down off the perch and picks the shoe up with his beak. He slams the shoe down on the bar and starts attacking it. In no time, the shoe is reduced to nothing but a few pieces of leather and a shoelace. Then the bird flies back to his perch more...