Nobody Jokes / Recent Jokes
100 Reasons Why It's Great To Be A Guy
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
Movie nudity is virtually always female.
You know stuff about tanks.
A 5 day vacation requires only one suitcase.
Monday Night Football.
You don't have to monitor your friends' sex lives.
Your bathroom lines are 80% shorter.
You can open all your own jars.
Old friends don't give a crap whether you've lost or gained weight.
Dry cleaners and haircutters don't rob you blind.
When clicking through the channels, you don't have to stall at every shot of somebody crying.
Your butt is never a factor in job interviews.
All your orgasms are real.
A beer gut doesn't make you invisible to the opposite sex.
Guy in hockey masks don't attack you (unless you smash 'em into the boards).
You don't have to lug a bag of useful stuff around everywhere you go.
You understand why Stripes is funny.
You can go to the bathroom without a support more...
A computer was something on TV from a science fiction show A window was something you hated to clean.... And ram was the cousin of a goat..... Meg was the name of my girlfriend And gig was something you did on stage for money Now they all mean different things And that really mega bytes An application was for employment A program was a TV show A cursor used profanity A keyboard was a piano Memory was something that you lost with age A CD was a bank account And if you had a 3 1/2' floppy You hoped nobody found out Compress was something you did to the garbage Not something you did to a file And if you unzipped anything in public You'd be in jail for a while Log on was adding wood to the fire Hard drive was a long trip on the road A mouse pad was where a mouse lived And a backup happened to your commode Cut you did with a pocket knife Paste you did with glue A web was a spider's home And a virus was the flu I guess I'll stick to my pad and paper And the memory in my head I hear nobody's more...
In reference to "Santa is a woman"
Santa is a man.
It is precisely because Christmas is an "organized, warm,
fuzzy, nurturing social dealthat Santa has to be a man.
Delegation... that's the key. Just imagine if a woman was
trying to delegate all of those tasks and obligations to her
underlings. Christmas would be as ambiguous as the spring
equinox. Nobody would know what day of the year we were
going to celebrate it on.
It takes a man to organize a commercial event as huge as
Christmas. What with the ads, the parades, the football, and
(usually) the basketball, the sheer immensity of the task
would overwhelm most females. We'd have to plan football
schedules around lunch instead of the other way around. Or
worse yet... there might not be any football at all.
(Shudder) That's a scary thought.
If Santa was a female, the toys might never be delivered. It
would take more...
In Baldwin Park, California nobody is allowed to ride a bicycle in a swimming pool.(Dumb Laws - California)
A teacher asked her young pupils how they spent their vacation. One child wrote the following:"We always used to spend the holidays with Grandma and Grandpa. They used to live here in a big brick house, but Grandpa got retarded and they moved to Florida and now they live in a place with a lot of other retarded people."They live in a tin box and have rocks painted green to look like grass. They ride around on big tricycles and wear nametags because they don't know who they are anymore. They go to a building called a wrecked center, but they must have got it fixed, because it is all right now.They play games and do exercises there, but they don't do them very well. There is a swimming pool, too, but they all jump up and down in it with their hats on. I guess they don't know how to swim.At their gate, there is a dollhouse with a little old man sitting in it. He watches all day so nobody can escape. Sometimes they sneak out. Then they go cruising in their golf carts.My Grandma more...
Nobody wants to read anyone else's formulas.
Nobody told me.
Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
Nothing astonishes men so much as common sense and plain dealing.
Nothing can be done in one trip.
Nothing ever comes out as planned.
Nothing is as easy as it looks.
Nothing is as inevitable as a mistake whose time has come.
Nothing is as permanent as that which is called temporary.
Nothing is as temporary as that which is called permanent.
Bosses of a publishing firm are trying to work out why no one noticed that one of their employees had been sitting dead at his desk for FIVE DAYS before anyone asked if he was feeling okay.
George Turklebaum, 51, who had been employed as a proof-reader at a New York firm for 30 years, had a heart attack in the open-plan office he shared with 23 other workers. He quietly passed away on Monday, but nobody noticed until Saturday morning when an office cleaner asked why he was still working during the weekend.
His boss Elliot Wachiaski said: "George was always the first guy in each morning and the last to leave at night, so no one found it unusual that he was in the same position all that time and didn't say anything.
He was always absorbed in his work and kept much to himself."
A post mortem examination revealed that he had been dead for five days after suffering a coronary.
And the moral of the story: "Don't work too hard. Nobody notices anyway."