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100 REASONS IT'S GREAT TO BE A GUY!
(No offense intended or implied)
1) Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
2) Movie nudity is virtually always female.
3) You know stuff about tanks.
4) A 5 day vacation requires only one suitcase.
5) Monday Night Football.
6) You don't have to monitor your friends' sex lives.
7) Your bathroom lines are 80% shorter.
8) You can open all your own jars.
9) Old friends don't give a crap whether you've lost or gained
weight.
10) Dry cleaners and haircutters don't rob you blind.
11) When clicking through the channels, you don't have to stall at
every shot of somebody crying.
12) Your butt is never a factor in job interviews.
13) All your orgasms are real.
14) A beer gut doesn't make you invisible to the opposite sex.
15) Guy in hockey masks don't attack you (unless you smash 'em into
the boards).
16) You don't have to lug a bag of useful stuff around everywhere more...

Life Before the Computer
An application was for employment
A program was a TV show
A cursor used profanity
A keyboard was a piano!
Memory was something that you lost with age
A CD was a bank account
And if you had a 3 inch floppy
You hoped nobody found out!
Compress was something you did to garbage
Not something you did to a file
And if you unzipped anything in public
You'd be in jail for awhile!
Log on was adding wood to a fire
Hard drive was a long trip on the road
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived
And a backup happened to your commode!
Cut - you did with a pocket knife
Paste you did with glue
A web was a spider's home
And a virus was the flu!
I guess I'll stick to my pad and paper
And the memory in my head
I hear nobody's been killed in a computer crash
But when it happens they wish they were dead!

Once upon a time, there were four people named Everybody, Somebody, Nobody and Anybody.
Whenever there was an important job to be done, Everybody was sure that Somebody would do it. Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did.
When Nobody did it, Everybody got angry because it was Everybody's job.
Everybody was certain that Somebody would do it, but Nobody realized that Nobody would do it.
Consequently, Everybody blamed Somebody when Nobody did what Anybody could have done in the first place.

A computer was something on TV From a science fiction show A window was something you hated to clean.... And RAM was the cousin of a goat..... MEG was the name of my girlfriend And GIG was your middle finger upright Now they all mean different things And that really MEGA bytesAn application was for employment A program was a TV show A cursor used profanity A keyboard was a pianoMemory was something that you lost with age A CD was a bank account And if you had a 3 1/2" floppy You hoped nobody found outCompress was something you did to the garbage Not something you did to a file And if you unzipped anything in public You'd be in jail for a whileLog on was adding wood to the fire Hard drive was a long trip on the road A mouse pad was where a mouse lived And a backup happened to your commodeCut you did with a pocket knife Paste you did with glue A web was a spider's home And a virus was the fluI guess i'll stick to my pad and paper And the memory in my head I hear nobody's been more...

If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of payments.

In reference to "Santa is a woman": Santa is a man.
It is precisely because Christmas is an "organized, warm, fuzzy, nurturing social deal" that Santa has to be a man. Delegation... that's the key. Just imagine if a woman was trying to delegate all of those tasks and obligations to her underlings. Christmas would be as ambiguous as the spring equinox. Nobody would know what day of the year we were going to celebrate it on.
It takes a man to organize a commercial event as huge as Christmas. What with the ads, the parades, the football, and (usually) the basketball, the sheer immensity of the task would overwhelm most females. We'd have to plan football schedules around lunch instead of the other way around. Or worse yet... there might not be any football at all. (Shudder) That's a scary thought.
If Santa was a female, the toys might never be delivered. It would take a she Santa until New Year's Eve to get dressed (for the third time) and out of the more...

In response to Friday's "Santa is a woman", I offer the following:
Santa is a man.
It is precisely because Christmas is an "organized, warm, fuzzy, nurturing social deal" that Santa has to be a man. Delegation... that's the key. Just imagine if a woman was trying to delegate all of those tasks and obligations to her underlings. Christmas would be as ambiguous as the spring equinox. Nobody would know what day of the year we were going to celebrate it on.
It takes a man to organize a commercial event as huge as Christmas. What with the ads, the parades, the football, and (usually) the basketball, the sheer immensity of the task would overwhelm most females. We'd have to plan football schedules around lunch instead of the other way around. Or worse yet... there might not be any football at all. (Shudder) That's a scary thought.
If Santa was a female, the toys might never be delivered. It would take a she Santa until New Year's Eve to get dressed (for more...