None Jokes / Recent Jokes

Q: How many tenors does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Three - One to do it and two to stand there and tell each other how they could have done it better.

Q: How many female opera singers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None. If they sing loudly enough they'll break it.

Q: How many classical music singers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None - "Impossible. The altitude may put unnecessary strain on my vocal chords. Have the bassist do it."

Q: How many conductors does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Seven. (Indignant nose upturned.) Of course, I wouldn't expect you to understand.

Q: How many country & western singers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Four. One to change it, one to sing about how heartbroken he is at the loss of the old one, one to sing about how madly in love she is with the new one, and one to go "Yeeeee-Hah! " and throw his hat in the more...

Animal Quiz
One day the teacher decides to play an animal game. She
holds up a picture of a giraffe and asks if anyone
knows what it is. No one raises their hand.
The teacher says "
See its long neck? What animal has a
long neck?"
Sally holds up her hand and asks, "
Is it a
giraffe?"
"
Very good Sally,"
the teacher replies.
Next she holds up a picture of a zebra. None of the
students holds up their hands. "
See the stripes on this
animal? What animal has stripes?"
Billy holds up his
hand and says, "
It's a zebra."
"
Very good Billy,"
the
teacher replies.
Next she holds up a picture of a deer. None of the
students recognized the animal. "
See the big antlers on
this animal. What animal has horns like this?"
Still no
one guesses.
"
Let me give you another hint, it's something more...

NICKNAMES:
If Gloria, Suzanne, Debra and Michelle go out for lunch, they will call each other Gloria, Suzanne, Debra and Michelle. But if Mike, Phil, Rob and Jack go out for a brewsky, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Useless.
DINING OUT:
And when the check comes, Mike, Phil, Rob and Jack will each throw in $20 bills, even though it's only for $22. 50. None of them will have anything smaller, and none will actually admit they want change back. When the girls get their check, out come the pocket calculators.
BATHROOMS:
A man has six items in his bathroom -- a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of Dial soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn. The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.
GROCERIES:
A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes out to the store and buys these things. A man waits till the only more...

1. There is one word in the English language that is always pronounced incorrectly. What is it?2. A man gave one son 10 cents and another son was given 15 cents. What time is it?3. A boat has a ladder that has six rungs, each rung is one foot apart. The bottom rung is one foot from the water. The tide rises at 12 inches every 15 minutes. High tide peaks in one hour. When the tide is at it's highest, how many rungs are under water?4. There is a house with four walls. Each wall faces south. There is a window in each wall. A bear walks by one of the windows. What color is the bear?5. Is half of two plus two equal to two or three?6. There is a room. The shutters are blowing in. There is broken glass on the floor. There is water on the floor. You find Sloppy dead on the floor. Who is Sloppy? How did Sloppy die?7. How much dirt would be in a hole 6 feet deep and 6 feet wide that has been dug with a square edged shovel?8. If I were in Hawaii and dropped a bowling ball in a bucket of water more...

MEN AND WOMEN COMPARE THE FOLLOWING:

NICKNAMES:
If Laura, Suzanne, Debra and Rose go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Suzanne, Debra and Rose. If Mike, Charlie, Bob and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Scrappy.


EATING OUT:
When the bill arrives, Mike, Charlie, Bob and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32. 50. None of them will have anything smaller,

and none will actually admit they want change back. When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

MONEY:
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he wants. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't want.


BATHROOMS:
A man has six items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, comb, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn. The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to more...

Q: How many Macintosh users does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Three: One to change the bulb, one to copyright the method for changing the bulb, and one to call in the lawyers on anyone who infringes on the "look and feel" of the bulb changing method.

Q: How many Macintosh users does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Just one, but the new light bulbs aren't compatible with the old sockets, so he has to buy a complete upgrade or a new light.

Q: How many Macintosh users does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None - there's no documentation available, so you have to wait until a third-party supplier comes out with a solution.

Q: How many Macintosh users does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Did you try rebooting with extensions off?

Note: On the Macintosh, types of crashes can sometimes be attributed to not-quite-compatible extensions. One way to find out if one of the extensions is at fault in a more...

None. "We'll document it in the manual."
None. It's a hardware problem.
1. 000000001.
Two. One always leaves in the middle of the project.
Four. One to design the change, one to implement it, one to document it, and one to maintain it afterwards.
Four, plus one senior analyst to manage the project, one technical writer to correct the spelling and grammar of the one who documented it, one light bulb librarian, a sales-force of at least five to drum up enough users who want to turn the light on, 274 users to burn out the new bulb, at which point we go to tender for another light bulb change,...
Five. Two to write the specification program, one to screw it in, and two to explain why the project was late.
Only one, but she's not available till the year 2000.
"The change is 90% complete."
"It's hard to say. Each time we separate the bulb into its modules to do unit testing, it stops working."
Of course, as more...