None Jokes / Recent Jokes
Q: How many academics does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None. That's what research students are for.
Q: How many academics does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Five: One to write the grant proposal, one to do the mathematical modelling, one to type the research paper, one to submit the paper for publishing, and one to hire a student to do the work.
Q: How many sheep does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Twenty-one. One to change it and twenty to follow him round while he looks for a new one.
Q: Why did the `Real Man' sit in the dark?
A: He couldn't find a new light bulb and was too embrassed to ask.
Q: How many George Smillivitches does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None, becouse tough girls aren't afraid of the dark.
Q: How many `Real Women' does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None: A `Real Woman' would have plenty of real men around to do it, and one of them can change the bulb while more...
Q: How many Alaskan women does it take to change a light bulb?
A: "Hey Bob, this is Carol. .. I think I have a lightbulb out over here."
Q: How many Alaskan men does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Oh, none. .. they just have one of their girlfriends do it. [bitter laugh]
Q: How many Beverly Hills residents does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: None, they have a service come in and do that.
Q: How many Austinites/Berkeleyites/Boulderites does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Five. One to change the bulb and four to talk about how much better it was in the Sixties.
Q: How many Californians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Three - one to change the light bulb and two to say "Oh Wow!"
Q: How many Californians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Five - one to screw it in and four to sit in the hot tub and discuss the environmental impact.
Q: How many more...
Q: How many Oregonians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Six. One to screw in the lightbulb and five to fend off all those Californians trying to share the experience.
Q: How many Oregonians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Nine. One to change the bulb, and eight to protest about the nuclear power plant that generates the electricity that powers it.
Q: How many school teachers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None. Anything not completed during the lesson is added to the homework.
Q: How many Goths does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None. They prefer everything all black anyway.
Q: How many Evangelists does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: 33. One to do it, 2 to bask in its glory, and 30 to take collections in the bulb's name.
Q: How many sorority sisters does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Five. One to change the bulb, and four to make T-shirts. And optionally, we may more...
Q: How many people at a London Vegans meeting does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: All thirty. Well, actually it's only one, but he has to wait at least half an hour while the others read out all the announcements.
Q: How many macrobiotics does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Three. One to make the coffee, one to get the cigarettes, and one to ask Michio Kushi for instructions.
Q: How many old macrobiotics does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Five. One to change it, three to hold the ladder, and one to call the ambulance.
Q: How many young macrobiotics does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None. They all sit in a circle, watching the old macrobiotics, and think beautiful thoughts.
Q: How many holocaust revisionists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None, they just deny the bulb ever went out in the first place.
Q: How many Ethiopians does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Three. One to more...
How many conservative economists does it take to change a light bulb? None. The darkness will cause the light bulb to change by itself. How many B-school doctoral students does it take to change a light bulb? I’m writing my dissertation on that topic; I should have an answer for you in about five years. How many investors does it take to change a light bulb? None - the market has already discounted the change. How many Keynesian economists does it takes to change a light bulb? All. Because then you will generate employment, more consumption, dislocating the aggregate demand to the right. How many Marxists does it take to screw in a light bulb? None - the bulb contains within it the seeds of its own revolution.
Q: How many university students does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: 31. Ten to vote on whether the light bulb needs changing, whether they should join the Lightbulbs Union first and then what to call the new lightbulb - (the Nelson Mandela lightbulb? ), one to put it in... and twenty to have a pissup after to celebrate a good days work...
Q: How many boarding school students does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None, they have their parents do it for them.
Q: How many off-campus landlords does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. The students will just wreck it, anyhow, so why bother?
Q: How many Chinese students does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Twelve: one to screw in the lightbulb, one to sit in the jail, and ten to demonstrate on the streets.
Q: How many engineering students does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: One, but the rest of the class copies the report.
Q: How many first more...
NICKNAMES
If Laura, Suzanne, Debra and Rose go out for lunch, they will call
each other Laura, Suzanne, Debra and Rose.
If Mike, Charlie, Bob and John go out, they will affectionately
refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Scrappy.
EATING OUT
When the bill arrives, Mike, Charlie, Bob and John will each throw
in $20, even though it's only for $32. 50. None of them will have
anything smaller, and none will actually admit they want change
back.
When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.
MONEY
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he wants.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't want.
BATHROOMS
A man has six items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, shaving cream,
razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn.
The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337.
A man would not be able to identify most of these more...