Nope Jokes / Recent Jokes

Two little boys go into the grocery store. One is nine-years-old and the other one is four-years-old. The nine-year-old grabs a box of tampons from the shelf and carries it to the register for check-out.

The cashier asks "Oh, these must be for your mom, huh?" The nine-year-old replies "Nope, not for my mom."

Without thinking, the cashier responded "Well, they must be for your sister then?"

The nine-year-old quipped, "Nope, not for my sister either."

The cashier had now become curious "Oh. Not for your mom and not for your sister? Who are they for?"

The nine-year-old says "They're for my four-year-old little brother."

The cashier is surprised "Your four-year-old little brother?"

The nine-year-old explains: "Well yeah, they say on TV if you wear one of these, you can swim or ride a bike and my little brother can't do either of them!"

A man died in a horrible fire. The mortician thought it was George, but the body was so badly burned that somebody would need to make a positive identification. That task fell to George's two friends, Joe and Al.
Joe: "He's burnt pretty bad, all right. Roll him over." Joe looked at the dead man's buttocks and said, "Nope, that ain't George."
Thinking the incident strange, the mortician straightened up the body and said nothing. He brought in Al.
Al: "Wow, he's burnt to a crisp. Roll him over." Again, "Nope, that ain't George."
Mortician: "How can you tell?"
Al: "George had two assholes."
Mortician: "What? How could he have two assholes?"
Al: "Everybody knew George had two assholes. Whenever the three of us would go into town you'd hear people say, "Here comes George with those two assholes!"

A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy, "So I hear you're getting married?"
"Yep!"
"Do I know her?"
"Nope!"
"This woman, is she good looking?"
"Not really."
"Is she a good cook?"
"Naw, she can't cook too well."
"Does she have lots of money?"
"Nope! Poor as a church mouse."
"Well, then, is she good in bed?"
"I don't know."
"Why in the world do you want to marry her then?"
"Because she can still drive!"

An elderly man went to the doctor for an annual physical. While listening to the old man's heart with his stethoscope, the doctor muttered, "Uh, oh!"
"What is it doctor," the old man asked.
"Well, you appear to have a serious heart murmur. Do you smoke?" asked the doctor.
"Nope, never have," the old man replied.
"Do you drink excessively?" the doctor asked.
"Nope, never touch the stuff," said the old man.
"What about sex? Do you have a sex life?" the doctor inquired.
"Yes, I do!" the old man answered nervously.
"Well," the doctor said, "I'm afraid that with this heart murmur, you're going to have to give up half of your sex life."
"Which half would that be, doctor... the thinking or the looking?" asked the old man.

Fishing season hasn't opened and a fisherman who doesn't have a license, is casting for trout as a stranger approaches and asks: "Any luck?" "Any luck? This is a wonderful spot. I took 10 out of this stream yesterday," he boasts. "Is that so? By the way, do you know who I am?" asks the stranger. "Nope." "Well, meet the new game warden." "Oh," gulped the fisherman. "Well, do you know who I am?" "Nope." "Meet the biggest liar in the state!"