Nope Jokes / Recent Jokes

The cowboy was trying to buy a health insurance policy. The insurance agent was going down the list of standard questions."Ever have an accident?""Nope, nary a one.""None? Youve never had any accidents.""Nope. Aint never had one. Never.""Well, you said on this form you were bit by a snake once. Wouldnt you consider that an accident?""Heck, no. That dang varmint bit me on purpose."

Two little boys go into the grocery store. One is nine, one is four. The nine year old grabs a box of tampons from the shelf and carries it to the register for check-out.

The cashier asks "Oh, these must be for your mom, huh?"

The nine year old replies "Nope, not for my mom."

Without thinking, the cashier responded "Well, they must be for your sister then?"

The nine year old quipped, "Nope, not for my sister either."

The cashier had now become curious "Oh. Not for your mom and not for your sister, who are they for?"

The nine year old says "They're for my four year old little brother."

The cashier is surprised "Your four year old little brother??"

The nine year old explains: "Well yeah, they say on TV if you wear one of these you can swim or ride a bike and my little brother can't do either of them!"

Fishing season hasn't opened and a fisherman who doesn't have a license, is casting for trout as a stranger approaches and asks: "Any luck?"
"Any luck? This is a wonderful spot. I took 10 out of this stream yesterday," he boasts.
"Is that so? By the way, do you know who I am?" asks the stranger.
"Nope."
"Well, meet the new game warden."
"Oh," gulped the fisherman. "Well, do you know who I am?"
"Nope."
"Meet the biggest liar in the state!"

This woman walks into a tatoo shop and asks for a tatoo of a christmas tree on her right inner thigh and a cocktail drink on her left inner thigh. The tatoo artist say thats an unusual request. why do you want two tatoos there? So she says because my husband needs to eat between christmas and new years.|Santa pointed his finger in the boys face^A little boy about nine or ten, was siting on Santa's lap. Santa pointed his finger in the boys face, and said " George I know what you want for Christmas! A T-O-Y." Nope! replied George. Then again, pointing his finger in the boys face. You want C-A-N-D-Y. Nope! replied George. Then just what the hell do you want, ask Santa. George looked Santa in the face, pointing his finger, I want some P-U-S-S-Y! And don't tell me that you don't have any. Because I can smell it on your finger!

: Imagine if you will... the leader of the fifth invader force speaking to the commander in chief...
"They're made out of meat, Sir."
"Meat?"
"Meat. They're made out of meat."
"Meat?"
"There's no doubt about it. We picked several from different parts of the planet, took them
aboard our recon vessels, probed them all the way through. They're completely meat."
"That's impossible. What about the radio signals? The messages to the stars."
"They use the radio waves to talk, but the signals don't come from them. The signals come from
machines."
"So who made the machines? That's who we want to contact."
"They made the machines. That's what I'm trying to tell you. Meat made the machines."
"That's ridiculous. How can meat make a machine? You're asking me to believe in sentient meat."
"I'm not asking you, I'm telling you. These more...

Two little boys go into the grocery store. One is nine, one is four. The nine-year-old grabs a box of tampons from the shelf and carries it to the register for check-out. The cashier asks "Oh, these must be for your mom, huh?"
The nine-year-old replies, "Nope, not for my mom." Without thinking, the cashier responded, "Well, they must be for your sister then?" The nine-year-old responded, "Nope, not for my sister either."
The cashier had now become curious. "Oh. Not for your mom and not for your sister - then who are they for?"
The nine-year old says "They're for my four-year-old little brother." The cashier is surprised: "Your four year-old-brother?"
The nine-year-old explains: "Well yeah, they say on TV if you wear one of these, you can swim or ride a bike - and my little brother can't do either of those things."

A redneck named Clyde died in a fire and was burnt pretty bad and the morgue needed someone to identify the body, so his two best friends, Clem and Zeke, were sent for.
Clem went in first, and the mortician pulled back the sheet.
Clem said, Yup, he's burnt real bad; but you'll have to roll him over if you want me to identify him."
So the mortician rolled the corpse over and Clem looked and said, "Nope, it ain't Clyde."
The mortician thought that was rather strange, but proceeded to bring in Zeke to identify the body. After the sheet was pulled back, Zeke took a look and said, "Yup, he's burnt real bad; roll him over."
So, again the mortician rolled the burnt corpse over, and Zeke looked down and said, "Nope, it ain't Clyde."
Frustrated, the mortician asked, "How can you tell?"
Zeke answered, "Well, Clyde had two assholes."
"What!?" The disbelieving mortician asked, "He had TWO more...