Nope Jokes / Recent Jokes

A man came home from work after a horrible day at the office. His wife
has complained to him over and over that he never notices her anymore, and
he denied it. When he comes through the door his wife greets him and says,
"Hi, Honey. Notice anything different about me today?"
"Oh, I don't know. You got your hair done."
"Nope, try again."
"Oh, uh, you bought a new dress."
"Nope, keep trying."
"You got your nails done."
"Nope, try again."
"I give up, I'm too tired to play 20 questions."
"I'm wearing a gas mask!"

I work TS for an ISP, here are a few things that drive me nuts:
Tech: What is your User Name?
Cust: John Smith.
Tech: (searching for user name johnsmith to no avail) that's your USER Name, your login name?
Cust: Yep.
Tech: .. (search for cust acct by last name, find a million Smiths.. finally find their acct.) We have your user name listed as ''wolf231''.
Cust: Yep.
Tech: Not John Smith.
Cust: Yep.
Tech:...
-
Tech: What error message are you getting?
Cust: I'm not getting an error, it just won't connect.
Tech: Nothing comes up when you try to connect?
Cust: Nope, nothing happens at all. It doesn't say anything.
Tech: .. and nothing appears on the screen what-so-ever..?
Cust: Nope.
Tech: - Well.. What happens to lead you to believe that it isn't working?
Cust: It says Error 691, User Name or Password..
Tech: That's what we in the buisness call an ERROR MESSAGE.
-
Tech: What error message are you more...

The fishing season hasn't opened and a fisherman who doesn't have a license, is casting for trout as a stranger approaches and asks "Any luck?" "Any luck? This is a wonderful spot. I took 10 out of this stream yesterday" he boasts. "Is that so? By the way, do you know who I am?" asks the stranger. "Nope." "Well, meet the new game warden." "Oh," gulped the fisherman. "Well, do you know who I am?" "Nope". "Meet the biggest liar in the state."

A brunette and a blonde were speeding down the street when they passed a cop." Oh no!" cried the brunette. "Is he following me?" "Yep," replied the blonde." I'm going to drive down this little side road, okay?" said the brunette." Yep," replied the blonde." Is the cop still following me?" "Yep." "Is his lights on?" "Yep, nope, yep, nope, yep, nope..."

The cowboy was trying to buy a health insurance policy. The insurance agent was going down the list of standard questions. "Ever have an accident?" "Nope, nary a one." "None? You've never had any accidents." "Nope. Ain't never had one. Never." "Well, you said on this form you were bit by a snake once. Wouldn't you consider that an accident?" "Heck, no. That dang varmint bit me on purpose."

the other day i gotta haircut an i go into work the next day and my co workers go, u getta haircut? i sed no fall and im sheding, heres ur sign!
A couple months ago, I was eating at an Italian restaurant with my family, we all started eating and my cousin looks at me n sez wut u got looks good is it good, i sed nop eit taste like shit im just tryin not to notice, heres ur sign!
My family and i were sitting at my house having a good time, when my aunt announced that she was getting married to her boyfriend of 3 years and my mom asks if the guy is a good guy, with a smile my aunt sez nope, he's a wife beating alcholic crack hed and I'm marrying him for his baody. Here's your sign.
i was workin late one nite and the boss comes over tome n sez ey u still here, and i sed nope i left an hour ago im havin a outta body experince, heres ur sign!
i was watchin one of them animal shows on tv the other day and a buddy of mine was with me and were watchin it and theres this huge more...

A wish for Christmas It is around christmas time and santa is sitting in the middle of the mall in his big holiday setup. He has a line of kids lined up to sit on his lap and tell him what they want for christmas. As the line dwindles down; a little 5 year old boy comes up and sits on santas lap. Santa says to the little boy"I bet I know what you want for christmas". "I bet you want a puppy, P-U-P-P-Y"; touching the tip of the little boys nose with his finger after every letter of the word. The little boy responds"Nope". So santa again says"Then I bet you want a bike, B-I-K-E"; as he again touched the tip of the little boys nose with his finger. The little boy again said"Nope". Well santa's starting to get a little pissed off. So he thinks to himself that he'll try one more time. So he says to the little boy"I bet you want a fire engine, F-I-R-E-E-N-G-I-N-E"; once again touching the tip of the little boys nose with his finger more...