Nothing Jokes / Recent Jokes

Blutarsky's Axiom: Nothing is impossible for the man who will not listen to reason.

A king travels through the desert, when he suddenly discovers a man captured under a big rock, he throws a rope around the rock and ties it to his horse and pulls the rock off the man. The man, gratefull as he is, tells the king that he's really a great sorcerer, and gives the king three wishes.

The king looks at the Sorcerer and says "OK, then I wish to be immortal", the sorcerer replies "Puff, it's done." The king takes a knife and stabs himself and nothing happens, then he says "OK, then I want my horse to be immortal." The sorcerer replies "Puff, it's done". The king, happy as can be, stabs his horse and nothing happens, then he says "OK, then I want my horses genitals." The sorcerer replies "Puff, it's done".

The king, still happy, jumps on his horse and rides back to his castle, in the doorway he meets his friend Peter, jumps off the horse and tells Peter that he's now immortal. Peter laughs, but more...

There was an Aggie, a Longhorn, and a Bug Eater.
They attempted to rob a bank but got caught.
They went to court and were sentenced to the electric chair.
The guys operating it told them that if they survived they were free to go.
The Longhorn went first. They asked him if he had any last words to say. He told them no. He pressed the button and nothing happened so he was free to go.
The bug eater went next. They asked him if he had any last words to say. He said no and pressed the button. Nothing happened and he was free to go.
The Aggie went next. They asked him if he had any last words.
"I think if you plug the chair in, it'll work better."

Business Rules to Live By
If you can't get your work done in the first 24 hours, work nights.
A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the butt.
Don't be irreplaceable, if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
It doesn't matter what you do, it only matters what you say you've done and what you're going to do.
After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the month than you did before.
The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.
You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.
Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.
When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves.
If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.
There will always be beer cans rolling on the floor of your car when the boss asks for a ride home more...

There are two things on earth that are universal: hydrogen and stupidity. There are two ways to slide easily through life: to believe everything or to doubt everything; both ways save us from thinking. There has been an alarming increase in the number of things you know nothing about. There has been opposition to every innovation in the history of man, with the possible exception of the sword. There is a coherent plan in the universe, though I don`t know what it`s a plan for. There is a right way, a wrong way, and my way to do everything. There is absolutely no substitute for a genuine lack of preparation. There is always one more bug. There is always one more idiot than you counted on. There is no evidence to support the notion that life is serious. There is nothing so habit-forming as money.

It is near the end of the school year. The teacher has turned in her grades. There is really nothing to do. All the kids are restless because there is nothing to do and it is near the end of the day. The teacher says, "Whoever answers the questions I ask first and correctly can leave early today." Johnny says to himself, "Good, I want to get outta here. I'm smart and will answer the question". The teacher asked, "Who said' Four Score and Seven Years Ago'? Before Johnny could open his mouth, Susie said, "Abraham Lincoln". The teacher said, "That's right Susie. You can go". Johnny was MAD that Susie answered first. The teacher asked, "Who said,' I Have a Dream'?" Before Johnny could open his mouth, Mary said, "Martin Luther King". The teacher said, "That's right Mary. You can go". Johnny was even MADDER than before that Mary answered first. The teacher asked, "Who said' Ask not, what your country can do for more...

Our Brain Has Two Parts: Left And The Right
The Left One Has Nothing Right In It And The Right One Has Nothing Left In It