Nun Jokes / Recent Jokes

A nun, really needing to go to the bathroom, walked into a
neighborhood pub. The place was hopping with music and
dancing but every once in a while the lights would turn
off. Each time after the lights would go out the place
would erupt into cheers. However, when the revelers saw the
nun, the room went dead silent.
She walked up to the bartender, and asked, "May I please
use the restroom?"
The bartender replied, "I really don't think you should. "
"Why not? " the nun asked.
"Well, there is a statue of a naked man in there, and his
most private part is covered only by a fig leaf. "
"Nonsense, " said the nun, "I'll just look the other way. "
So the bartender showed the nun the door at the top of the
stairs, and she proceeded to the restroom. After a few
minutes, she came back out, and the whole place was hopping
with music and dancing again. more...

The new nun goes to her first confession. She tells the priest that she has a terrible secret and he tells her that her secret is safe in the sanctity of the confessional. She says, "Father, I never wears panties under my habit."The priest chuckles and says, "That's not so serious. Say five Hail Marys, five Our Fathers and do five cartwheels on your way to the altar.

There was a guy in a bar one night that got really drunk, I mean really, really, really drunk. When the bar closed he got up to go home. As he stumbled out the door he saw a nun walking on the sidewalk. So he stumbled over to the nun and punched her in the face. Well the nun was really surprised but before she could do or say anything he punched her again. This time she fell down and he stumbled over to her and kicked her in the butt, then he picked her up and threw her into a wall. By this time the nun was pretty weak and couldn't move very much, so then he stumbled over to her, put his face right next to hers and said.......... "Not very" strong tonight, are you Batman?"

A man was driving down the highway, and sees a sign saying ", House of Prostitution, 10 miles" Thinking it is some sort of joke, he pays no attention, until he sees a similar sign reading "Sister's of Mercy, House of Prostitution, 5 miles." Still unsure, he drives on, until spotting a third sign saying "Sister's of Mercy, House of Prostitution, next exit". His curiosity getting the better of him, he takes the exit and parks his car outside the convent. He knocks on the door, and tells the nun who answers "I saw your signs on the highway, are they for real?" The nun answers "Yes", and tells him to give her $50 and follow her to a room. He enters a room, and a second nun requests $50, and leads him to a door. Once he opnes the door, he is quickly shoved outside by the nun. He finds himself behind the convent, where he sees the final sign, "Thank you for you contributions, you have just been screwed by the. "

It was time for Father John's Saturday night bath, and young nun, Sister Magdalene had prepared the bath water and towels just the way the old nun had instructed.

Sister Magdalene was also instructed not to look at Fr. John's nakedness if she could help it, do whatever he told her to do, and pray.

The next morning the old nun asked Sister Magdalene how the Saturday nightbath had gone.

'Oh, sister,' said the young nun dreamily.' I've been saved.'

'Saved? And how did that fine thing come about?' asked the old nun.

'Well, when Fr. John was soaking in the tub, he asked me to wash him, and while I was washing him he guided my hand down between his legs where he said the Lord keeps the Key to Heaven.'

'Did he now?' said the old nun evenly.

Sister Magdalene continued,' And Fr. John said that if the Key to Heaven fit my lock, the portals of Heaven would be opened to me and I would be assured of salvation and eternal more...

A priest and a nun are on their way back home from a trip when their car breaks down. They are unable to get it fixed, so they decide to spend the night in a hotel. The only hotel in the town has only one room available. Priest: Sister, I dont think the Lord would have a problem, under the circumstances, if we spent the night together in this one room. Ill sleep on the lounge and you have the bed. Nun: I think that would be okay. They prepare for bed and each one takes their agreed place in the room. Ten minutes later... Nun: Father, Im terribly cold. Priest: Okay, Ill get you a blanket. (He does) Ten minutes later... Nun: Father, Im still terribly cold. Priest: Okay Sister, Ill get you another blanket. (He does) Ten minutes later... Nun: Father, Im still terribly cold. I dont think the Lord would mind if we acted as man and wif e just for this one night. Priest: Youre probably right... get up and get your own blanket.

Three nuns were talking. The first nun said, "I was cleaning in Father's room the other day and do you know what I found? A bunch of pornographic magazines." "What did you do?" the other nuns asked. "Well, of course I threw them in the trash." The second nun said, "Well, I can top that. I was in Father's room putting away the laundry and I found a bunch of condoms!" "Oh my!" gasped the other nuns. "What did you do?" they asked. "I poked holes in all of them!" she replied. The third nun fainted.