Nun Jokes / Recent Jokes

A hippie gets onto a bus and sits next to a nun in the front seat. The hippie looks over and asks the nun if she would have sex with him. The nun surprised by the question politely declines and gets off the bus at the next stop.
When the bus starts on its way the driver says to the hippie, "I can tell you how you can get that nun to have sex with you".
The hippie says that he'd love to know.
So the bus driver tells him that every Tuesday evening at midnight the nun goes to the cemetery and prays to God. If you went dressed in a robe and glow in the dark paint mask she would think you are god and you could command her to have sex with you.
The hippie decides this is a great idea, so on Tuesday he goes to the cemetery and waits for the nun to show up.
At midnight sure enough the nun showed up, while she was in the middle of praying the hippie jumped out from hiding and says. "I AM GOD" I have heard your prayers and I will answer them BUT. .. more...

A nun is walking down a deserted road when a man grabs her and starts raping her. After the rapist is done, he says, "Hey Sister, what are you going to tell the other Sisters now?"
"I'll tell them the truth, that you grabbed me, threw me to the ground, and raped me twice.... unless you're tired." she responded.

Four nuns happen to die at the same time and line up at the pearly
gates to enter heaven. St.
Peter says "Before you may pass through the gates sisters, I must ask
you each a question."
He looks at the first nun and says "Sister, have you ever touch a
man's penis?"
The nun holds up her index finger nervously and says "Only with this
one finger St. Peter."
St. Peter takes hold of her finger, dips it in holy water and says
"You may now pass through
the gates into heaven."
St. Peter looks at the second nun and asks "Have your ever touch a
man's penis my dear?"
Holding up her hand, she says,"Only with this one hand your holiness."
So St. Peter takes the sister's hand, dips it in holy water and lets
her walk through the gates.
He then turns and looks at nun #3 when suddenly nun #4 pushes her way
past #3 and
shoves her way up front.
St more...

A man was brought to Mercy Hospital, and went in for coronary surgery. The operation went well, and as the groggy man regained consciousness, he was reassured by a Sister of Mercy waiting by his bed.
"Mr. Smith, you're going to be just fine," the nun said while patting his hand. "We do have to know, however, how you intend to pay for your stay here. Are you covered by insurance?"
"No, I'm not," the man whispered hoarsely.
"Can you pay in cash?"
"I'm afraid I can't, Sister."
"Do you have any close relatives, then?"
"Just my sister in New Mexico," replied, "but she's a spinster nun."
"Nuns are not spinsters, Mr. Smith," the nun replied. "They are married to God."
"Okay," the man said with a smile, "then bill my brother-in-law."

What did the priest say to the nun when he screwed her?" The holy pole is in your hole so wet your ass and save your soul."

Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven, where they are met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter. He says, "Ladies, you all led such wonderful lives, that I'm granting you six months to go back to Earth and be anyone you want."
The first nun says, "I want to be Sophia Loren" and "poof" she's gone.

The second says, "I want to be Madonna" and "poof" she's gone.

The third says, "I want to be Sarah Pipalini."

St. Peter looks perplexed. "Who?" he asks.

"Sarah Pipalini," replies the nun.

St. Peter shakes his head and says, "I'm sorry but that name just doesn't ring a bell."

The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St. Peter. He reads the paper and starts laughing. He
hands it back to her and says,... "No sister, this says' Sahara Pipeline' laid by l, 900 men in 6 months."

The new nun goes to her first confession. She tells the priest that she has a terrible secret and he tells her that her secret is safe in the sanctity of the confessional.

She says, "Father, I never wear panties under my habit."

The priest chuckles and says, "That's not so serious. Say five Hail Marys, five Our Fathers and do six cartwheels (front rolls) on your way to the altar.