Nun Jokes / Recent Jokes

Sister Mary burst into the office of the principal of a parochial school in a very advanced state of agitation. "Father!" she cried, "just waits until you hear this!"
The priest led the sister to a chair, and said, "Now just calm down and tell me what you has so excited?"
"Well, Father" the nun began, "I was just walking down the hall to the chapel and I heard some of the older boys wagering money!"
"A serious infraction, indeed!" said the priest.
"But that's not what has me so excited, Father," replied the nun, "it was what they were wagering on! They had wagered on a contest to see who could urinate the highest on the wall!"
"What an incredible wager!" exclaimed the priest, "What did you do?"
"Well, I hit the ceiling, father."
To which the priest replied, "How much did you win?"

Two nuns walk into a liquor store and one asked the clerk for the biggest bottle of Irish whisky he had. The clerk replied "Heck no sister, you nuns and aren't supposed to drink that stuff!"The nun said "Well my son it is not for us you see, it is for Mother Teresa," then the nun whispers "She has the constipation." The clerk said "Oh, in that case, it's on the house. Here's the biggest jug we have." The nuns thank him, bless him, and leave. A few hours later, as the clerk is leaving, he sees the same two sisters in the parking lot, rolling around and drinking the Irish whiskey. Appalled he goes over to them and says "You ladies lied to me! You told me it was for Mother Teresa for her constipation!"One of the nuns takes another swig, looks up at him and says "You wanna know something buddy? She sure will shit when she sees us!"

Little Johnny's riding his bike around the Catholic school yard, when one of the nuns asks "have you a license to ride in the school little Johnny?"
Johnny takes out a slip of paper which the nun reads.
"That's fine, me boy" she says and off he goes.
Next break, another nun asks the same and little Johnny shows his license once more. Later in the day Johnny rides by the bike shed, under which is sat a priest with his knob in his hand.
"Can you come over here for a few minutes please, little Johnny?"
"Oh no" thinks Johnny, "NOT THE BREATHERLYSER AGAIN!!!"

One day a priest and a nun went golfing. The first hole the priest missed an extremely easy put. He shouted, "Damn, missed again." The nun, shocked, warned him "God will get you for that." The next hole the same thing occurred. After the priest screamed "Damn It! Missed again" the nun repeated her warning "God will get you for that!"On the third hole, the priest again missed, and cursed, but before the nun could repeat her warning, A bolt of lightning came down from the heavens and struck the nun dead. A deep voice from the clouds boomed out "Damn It! Missed again!".

A nun was walking in the convent when one of the Fathers noticed she was gaining a little weight. "Gaining a little weight are we sister Susan?", he asked." Oh no, Father. Just a little gas." Sister Susan explained, matter-of-factly. A month or so later the Father noticed that she had gained even more weight. "Gaining some weight are we Sister Susan?", he asked again." Oh no, Father. Just a little gas." She replied again. A few months later the Father noticed Sister Susan pushing a baby carraige in the convent. He leaned over and looked in the carraige and said -"What a cute little fart!"

A preacher who wanted to raise money for his church was told there was a fortune in horse racing, so he decided to buy a horse and enter it in a race. However, at the local auction the going price for horses was so steep that he ended up buying a donkey instead. He figured, however, that since he had it he might as well go ahead and enter it in the races. To his surprise, in the first race his mule came in second. The next day the racing sheets carried this headline: PREACHER'S ASS SHOWSThe preacher was so pleased that he entered the mule in another race. This time it won and the paper said: PREACHER'S ASS OUT IN FRONTThe bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the preacher not to enter the donkey in another race. The new headline read: BISHOP SCRATCHES PREACHER'S ASSThis was too much for the bishop and he ordered the preacher to get rid of the animal. The preacher gave it to a nun in a nearby convent. The headline the next day said: NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWNThe more...

This nun was going to Chicago. She went to the airport and sat down waiting for her flight. When she looked over in the corner and saw one of those weight machines that tells your fortune. So she thought to herself I'll give it a try just to see what it tells me. So she went over to the machine and she put her nickel in and card came out and it said, Your a nun you weigh 128lbs and your going to Chicago Illinois. So she sat back down and thought about it, she thought to herself it probably tells everyone the same thing, I'm going try it again. So she went over to the machine again and put her nickel in it, a card came out and said, your a nun, you weigh 128lbs., your going to Chicago Ill. and your going to play a fiddle. She said to herself I know that's wrong I have never played a musical instrument a day in my life. She sat back down and this Cowboy came over and set his fiddle case down she picked up the fiddle and just started playing beautiful music. She looked back at the more...