Office Jokes / Recent Jokes

In the beginning, God created the heavens and the earth.
Quickly, God was faced with a class action suit for failure to file an environmental impact statement. God was granted a temporary permit for the project, but was stymied with the cease and desist order for the earthly part.
Then God said, "Let there be light!" Immediately, the officials demanded to know how the light would be made. Would there be strip mining? What about thermal pollution? God explained that the light would come from a large ball of fire. God was granted provisional permission to make light, assuming that no smoke would result from the ball of fire, and that he would obtain a building permit and to conserve energy, He would have the light out half the time.
God agreed, and offered to call the light "Day" and the darkness "Night". The officials replied that they were not interested in semantics.
God said, "Let the earth put forth vegetation, plant yielding seed, more...

Then: Being caught with Hustler magazine
Now: Being caught by Hustler magazine

Then: Hoping for a BMW
Now: Hoping for a BM

Then: The Grateful Dead
Now: Dr. Kevorkian

Then: Getting out to a new, hip joint
Now: Getting a new hip joint

Then Mood Stones
Now: Kidney Stones

Then: Moving to California because it's cool
Now: Moving to California because it's warm

Then: Being called into the principal's office
Now: Storming into the principal's office

Then: Screw the system!
Now: System upgrade.

Then: Peace Sign
Now: Mercedes Logo

Then: Getting your head stoned
Now: Getting your headstone

Then:' 'The Making of the President''
Now: The making of the President

Then:' 'Going blind''
Now: REALLY going blind

Then: Long hair
Now: Longing for hair

Then: Father Knows Best
Now: Go ask your more...

Banta's wife, Preeto, and kids all came down with the flu. Upon returning home from the pediatrician's office with his four kids, he turned his attention to his ailing wife.
After preparing some chicken soup for her, he picked up the phone to call her doctor.
The receptionist picked up and he related the situation to her. She then told him that the office was going to be closed for a couple of days, but that his wife could have an appointment in 3 days.
Banta went ballistic and yelled into the phone, "Three days?! The doctor can't see her for three days?! She could be dead by then!"
Calmly the voice at the other end of the line replied, "If so, would you please call to cancel the appointment?"

Two weeks ago was my forty-fifth birthday, and I wasn't feeling too hot that morning anyway. I went to breakfast knowing my wife would be pleasant and say,"Happy Birthday," and probably have a present for me.
She didn't even say "Good Morning," let alone any, "Happy Birthday." I thought, "Well, that's wives for you. Maybe the children will remember."
The children came in to breakfast and didn't say a word.
When I started to the office, I was feeling pretty low and despondent. As I walked into my office, my secretary, Janet, said, "Good morning boss, Happy Birthday," and I felt a little better; someone had remembered.
I worked until noon, when Janet knocked on my door and said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day outside, and it's your birthday, let's go to lunch, just you and me."
I said, "By George, that's the best thing I've heard all day. Let's go."
We went to lunch. We didn't go where we more...

A young lesbian goes to her gynecologist for her yearly pelvic
examination. She puts on the paper gown and awaits him to come into
the exam room. He instructs her to get up onto the table and place
her feet in the stirrups.
As he is examining her she hears him saying "mmmm... mmmhmmm". He
completes the examination, instructs her to dress and then meet him
in his office when she is done.
In his office she asks him if there was anything unusual that he
observed during the exam because she could not help but hear his
non-verbal comments.
"Oh, that" he says." I was just admiring you. You have the cleanest
vaginal area that I have ever seen in all my years of practice."
The young woman proudly smiled and replied, "Why thank you! I have a
woman come in twice a week and clean it!"

A keen analyst: Thoroughly confused.Accepts new job assignments willingly: Never finishes a job.Active socially: Drinks heavily.Alert to company developments: An office gossip.Approaches difficult problems with logic: Finds someone else to do the job.Average: Not too bright.Bridge builder: Likes to compromise.Character above reproach: Still one step ahead of the law.Charismatic: No interest in any opinion but his own.Competent: Is still able to get work done if supervisor helps.Conscientious and careful: Scared.Consults with co-workers often: Indecisive, confused, and clueless.Consults with supervisor often: Very annoying.Delegates responsibility effectively: Passes the buck well.Demonstrates qualities of leadership: Has a loud voice.Displays excellent intuitive judgement: Knows when to disappear.Displays great dexterity and agility: Dodges and evades superiors well.Enjoys job: Needs more to do.Excels in sustaining concentration but avoids confrontations: Ignores everyone.Excels in more...

Two doctors opened an office in a small town, and put up a sign reading "Dr. Greene and Dr. Turner, Psychiatry and Proctology".
The town council wasn't happy with the sign, so the doctors changed it to "Hysterias and Posteriors".
This was unacceptable too, so in an effort to satisfy the council, they changed the sign to "Schizoids and Hemorrhoids." Still no go.
Next they tried "Catatonics and High Colonics". Thumbs down again.
Then came "Manic-depressives and Anal Retentives". Still no good.
How about "Minds and Behinds"? Once more, unacceptable.
Next they tried, "Lost Souls and Ass Holes". Still no go.
They even tried "Analysis and Anal Cysts", "Nuts and Butts", "Freaks and Cheeks" and "Loons and Moons", all of which were also unacceptable.
Nearing their wit's ends, the doctors finally came up with a business slogan they thought might be more...