Oil Jokes / Recent Jokes

A young, ruthless executive died and went to hell. When he got there, he saw one sign that said Capitalist Hell, and another that saidSocialist Hell. In front of the Socialist Hell was an incredibly longline, while there was no-one in front of the Capitalist Hell. So theexecutive asked the guard, "What do they do to you in Socialist Hell?" "They boil you in oil, whip you, and then put you on the rack," theguard replied." And what do they do to you in Capitalist Hell?" "The same exact thing," the guard answered." Then why is everybody in line for Socialist Hell?" "Because in Socialist Hell, they're always out of oil, whips, and racks!"

The Best of the Worst Country-Western Song Titles (Yes, Guys, these are REAL.)1) Drop Kick Me, Jesus, Through The Goalposts Of Life 2) Get Your Biscuits In The Oven And Your Buns In The Bed 3) Get Your Tongue Outta My Mouth' Cause I'm Kissing You Goodbye 4) Her Teeth Were Stained, But Her Heart Was Pure 5) How Can I Miss You If You Won't Go Away? 6) How Can You Believe Me When I Say I Love You When You Know I've Been A Liar All My Life? 7) I Been Roped And Thrown By Jesus In The Holy Ghost Corral 8) I Changed Her Oil, She Changed My Life 9) I Don't Know Whether To Kill Myself Or Go Bowling 10) I Fell In A Pile Of You And Got Love All Over Me 11) I Flushed You From The Toilets Of My Heart. 12) I Keep Forgettin' I Forgot About You 13) I Wanna Whip Your Cow 14) I Would Have Wrote You A Letter, But I Couldn't Spell Yuck! 15) I Wouldn't Take Her To A Dawg Fight, Cause I'm Afraid She'd Win 16) I'd Rather Have A Bottle In Front Of Me Than A Frontal Lobotomy 17) I'm Just A Bug On The more...

The wife was busy frying eggs, when her husband came home.

He walked into the kitchen and immediately started yelling.
"CAREFUL!!!
CAREFUL!!!
MORE OIL!!!
TURN THEM!!!
TURN THEM NOW!!!
WE NEED MORE OIL!!!
THEY ARE GOING TO STICK!!!
CAREFUL!!! CAREFUL!!!
TURN THEM!!!
TURN THEM!!!
HURRY UP!!!
ARE YOU CRAZY!!!!
THE OIL IS GOING TO SPILL!!!
USE MORE SALT!!! THE SALT!!!!"
The wife was very upset, "What is wrong with you?
Why are you yelling like this?
Do you think I don`t know how to fry an egg?"
The husband calmly replied, "This is to show you what it feels like for me when I am driving and you sit next to me..."

Questions that have Confused humankind!!

a.. Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll
squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?"

a.. Who was the first person to say "See that chicken there.... I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta it's butt."

a.. Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a
horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

a.. Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

a.. If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?

a.. Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?

a.. If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?

a.. Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?

a.. Why more...

An American tourist arrives in India; it is his first visit to the country. He hires a cab for the day to take him round the city. Outside a bakery, he espies a big mob jostling, pushing, everyone trying to get in at the same time.' What is going on?' he asks the Sikh taxi driver.
The sardar/ir is very patriotic and does not wish the foreigner to have an unfavourable impression of his country.' They are shooting a film,' he replies blandly.
A little later they come to a yet greater mob of people outside a ration shop selling wheat and cooking oil. Jostling, pushing, everyone trying to get in at the same time.' What's going on here?' demands the American.
'It's the same film; part second,' replies the sardar//^ and drives on.
A third mob outside the kerosene oil depot. Men, women and children banging their tin cans, raising a hell of a shinding. And what's going on here?' asks the visitor.
'Same film; part three,' replied the sardar//.
'Say, what kind of more...

Three men are traveling in the Amazon, a German, an American, and a Polak, and they get captured by some Amazons. The head of the tribe says to the German, "What do you want on your back for your whipping?" The German responds, "I will take oil!" So they put oil on his back, and a large Amazon whips him 10 times. When he is finished the German has these huge welts on his back, and he can hardly move. The Amazons haul the German away, and say to the Polak, "What do you want on your back?" "I will take nothing!" says the Polak, and he stands there straight and takes his 10 lashings without a single flinch." What will you take on your back?" the Amazons ask the American. He responds, "I'll take the Polak!"

Three men are traveling in the Amazon, a German, an American, and a Mexican, and they get captured by some Amazons. The head of the tribe says to the German, "What do you want on your back for your whipping?"The German responds, "I will take oil!" So they put oil on his back, and a large Amazon whips him ten times. When he is finished the German has these huge welts on his back, and he can hardly move. The Amazons haul the German away, and say to the Mexican, "What do you want on your back?" "I will take nothing!" says the Mexican, and he stands there straight and takes his ten lashings without a single flinch."What will you take on your back?" the Amazons ask the American. He responds, "Ill take the Mexican."