Once Jokes / Recent Jokes

Once there was an old man 70 years old named Bob who was married to his 73 year old wife, Mary.
They had their grandchild, named Caroline over. Once they got home from their walk, Bob offered Caroline some hot chocolate, toast, and eggs.
"Of course!" She said with delight.
Then, Bob goes in to make the meal for Caroline and Mary follows to help.
Bob and Mary take an hour to walk into the kitchen, take three hours making the meal, and take an hour to walk back into the living room in which Caroline was in with the meal.
Caroline noticed, "Hey, you forgot the Hot chocolate and toast!"

Birthdays only come once a year...aren't you glad you're not a birthday?

For years I badgered my mother with questions about whether Santa
Claus is a real person or not. Her answer was always "Well, you asked
for the presents and they came, didn't they?" I finally understood the
full meaning of her reply when I heard the definition of a virtual
device: "A software or hardware entity which responds to commands in a
manner indistinguishable from the real device." Mother was telling me
that Santa Claus is a virtual person (simulated by loving parents) who
responds to requests from children in a manner indistinguishable from the
real saint.
Mother also taught the IF... THEN... ELSE structure: "If it's
snowing, then put your boots on before you go to school; otherwise just
wear your shoes."
Mother explained the difference between batch and transaction processing:
"We'll wash the white clothes when we get enough of them to make a load, but
we'll wash these socks out right more...

"What are you doing today, oh mother of my children?" queries papa ji. "Well," replies mum ji, "I think I'll get some chores out of the way, like marrying off your son!" "What a great idea." agrees dad. "You do that while I wash the cars!"

And so the wheels of the' marriage machine' are set in motion. Once moving anyone wishing to stop them is simply steam rolled over! Before long an unsuspecting couple find that it has carried them all the way to the temple. Accompanied by a million voices commanding their every move, they sit cross legged in total bewilderment wondering which order to obey first.



Evolution of the arranged marriage actually starts as soon as the grades have been achieved, the job secured and the Ford Mondeo acquired. For then, life for the single Asian suddenly shifts into the "eligible" gear. Not only do mum and dad treat you like a prize poodle at Crufts but family more...

1 Man: "Haven't we met before?" Woman: "Yes, I'm the receptionist at the V.D. Clinic."
2 Man: "So, wanna go back to my place?" Woman: "Well, I don't know. Will two people fit under a rock?"
3 Man: "I'd really like to get into your pants." Woman: "No thanks. There's already one asshole in there."
4 The rebuttal to a turn-down: Man: "Want to Dance?" Woman: "No thanks." Man: "Don't thank me, thank God because somebody asked you."
5 Man: "I'd like to call you. What's your number?" Woman: "It's in the phone book." Man: "But I don't know your name." Woman: "That's in the phone book too."
6 Man: "So what do you do for a living?" Woman: "Female impersonator."
7 Man: "You know, I'd really love to travel to exotic places with you." Woman: (tries to ignore him) Man: "You know what? I also love sex. What do you more...

Sam has been in the computer business for 25 years and is finally sick of the stress. He quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Alabama to be as far away from humanity as possible. Sam sees the mailman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise, it's total peace and quiet. After 6 months or so of almost total isolation, he's finishing dinner one day when someone knocks on his door. He opens it and there is a big, bearded man standing there. "Name's Enoch... Your neighbor from four miles over the ridge... Having a party Saturday... Thought you'd like to come." "Great," says Sam, "after 6 months of this I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you." As Enoch is leaving he stops, "Gotta warn you there's gonna be some drinking." "Not a problem... After 25 years in the computer business, I can drink with the best of 'em." Again, as he starts to leave, Enoch stops. "More 'n' likely gonna be some fightin' too." more...

Sam was a clerk in a small drugstore, but wasn't much of a salesman since he could never find the items the customers wanted. The store owner warned him that the next sale he missed would be his last.
Just then, a man came in coughing and asked Sam for their best cough syrup. As usual, Sam couldn't find any cough syrup. Remembering what his boss had said, he sold the man a box of Ex-Lax and told him to take the entire box all at once. The customer immediately consumed the entire box in the store, went outside and leaned against a pole.
Having seen the whole thing, the owner came over and asked Sam what had happened.
"The man wanted something for his cough, but I couldn't find the cough syrup," Sam explained. "I substituted it with Ex-Lax and told him to take all of it at once."
"You idiot!" shouted the angry owner. "Ex-Lax won't cure a cough!"
"Really?" Sam replied, pointing to the customer leaning against the pole. more...