Once Jokes / Recent Jokes

Dear Tech Support:
Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife
1.0. I soon noticed
that the new program began unexpected child processing
that took up a lot of
space and valuable resources.
In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other
programs and now
monitors all other system activity. Applications
such as Poker Night
10.3, Football 5.0, Golf 7.5, Barhopping 6.9 &
Racing 3.6 no longer run,
crashing the system whenever selected
I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while
attempting to run
my favorite applications. I'm thinking about going
back to Girlfriend 7.0, but
the uninstall doesn't work on Wife 1.0.
Please help!
Thanks,
A Troubled User.
______________________________________
REPLY:
Dear Troubled User:
This is a very common problem that men complain about.
Many people upgrade
from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking that it
is just a Utilities more...

From: General Manager
To: Departmental Heads
''On Friday evening at 5 p.m., Halley's Comet will be visible in this area—an event which occurs only once every 76 years. Please have the employees assemble in the park area outside the building and I will explain this rare phenomenon to them. In case of rain, we will not be able to see anything, so assemble the employees in the canteen and I will show them a film of it.''
===========================================
From: Departmental Heads
To: Deputy Departmental Heads
''By order of the General Manager on Friday at 5p.m., Halley's Comet will appear above the area outside the building. If it rains, please assemble the employees and proceed to the canteen, where this rare phenomenon will take place, something which occurs only every 76 years''
===========================================
From: Deputy Departmental Heads
To: Superintendent
''By the order of the General Manager, at 5 p.m. on Friday, the more...

During all police investigations it will be necessary to visit a strip club at least once.All telephone numbers in America begin with the digits 555.Most dogs are immortal.If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a passing St. Patrick's Day parade - at any time of the year.All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets which reach up to the armpit level on a woman but only to waist level on the man lying beside her.All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French Bread.It's easy for anyone to land a plane providing there is someone in the control tower to talk you down.Once applied, lipstick will never rub off - even while scuba diving. The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place. No-one will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building you want without difficulty.If you need to reload your gun, you will always have more ammunition -even if you haven't been carrying any before more...

Once upon a time there lived a king. The king had a beautiful daughter, the princess. But there was a problem. Everything the princess touched would melt.
No matter what; metal, wood, plastic - anything she touched would melt! Because of this, men were afraid of her. Nobody would dare marry her.
The king despaired. What could he do to help his daughter? He consulted his wizards and magicians. One wizard told the king, "If your daughter touches one thing that does not melt in her hands, she will be cured."
The king was overjoyed. The next day, he held a competition. Any man that could bring his daughter an object that would not melt would marry her and inherit the king's wealth. Three young princes took up the challenge.
The first prince brought a very hard alloy of titanium. But alas, once the princess touched it, it melted. The prince went away sadly.
The second prince brought a huge diamond, thinking that diamond is the hardest substance in the world more...

Once upon a time there lived a king. The king had a beautiful daughter.
Everything the girl touched, would melt. No matter what, metal, wood, plastic, etc. Everything she touched would melt! Because of this, men were afraid of her and nobody would dare to marry her.
One day a wizard told the king, "If your daughter touches one thing that would not melt in her hands, her symptom will be cured." The king was overjoyed.
The next day, he held a competition, any man that can bring her daughter an object that would not melt, gets to marry her and inherit the king's wealth.
Three young princes took up the challenge.
The first prince brought a huge diamond, thinking that diamond is the hardest and will not melt. But alas, once the princess touched it, it melted! The prince went away sadly.
The second prince brought a very hard alloy but the same thing happened... so he too went away.
The third prince told the princess "Put your hand in my pocket and more...

Q:how many mexicans can hop a fence at once?

A: How long's the american border.

A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary. Their domestic tranquility had long been the talk of the town, and on this special occasion, a local newspaper reporter paid them a visit. He inquired as to the secret of their long and happy marriage.
"Well," explained the husband, "it all goes back to our honeymoon. We visited the Grand Canyon and took a trip down to the bottom of the canyon by pack mule."
"We hadn't gone too far when my wife's mule stumbled. My wife quietly said' That's once.' We proceeded a little farther when the mule stumbled again. Once more my wife quietly spoke:' That's twice.' We hadn't gone a half-mile when the mule stumbled a third time. My wife promptly removed a revolver from her purse, hopped down off the beast, and shot the mule dead."
"I started to protest over her treatment of the mule when she looked at me and quietly said,' That's once.'"