One Jokes / Recent Jokes

A guy was stranded on a desert island with Cindy Crawford. He played it cool, and he didn't make any moves towards her for several weeks. Finally, one day he asked her if maybe they could start up a physical relationship, so as to attend to each other's needs. Cindy said she was game and a very vigorous sexual relationship began.

Everything was great for about 4 months. One day, the guy went to Cindy and said,' I'm having this problem. It's kind of a guy thing, but I need to ask you a favor.' Cindy said,' Okay.' The guy said,' Can I borrow your eyebrow pencil?' Cindy looked at him a little funny, but said,' Sure, you can borrow my eyebrow pencil.' The guy then said,' Do you mind if I use the eyebrow pencil to draw a moustache on you?' Cindy is getting a little worried, but says,' Okay.' Then the guy said,' Can you wear some of my guy clothing, I need for you to look more like a man.' Cindy is getting a little disappointed at this point, but says,' Well I guess so.' Then the more...

Two old guys want to have sex, so they go to the local whore house.
The head whore doesn't want to give them her two best girls so they give them blow-up dolls.
The old men go at it and when they are done they talk.
The first one says, "I think mine was dead because i tried everything and nothing worked to get her off."
The second one said, " OH no, I think mine was a witch because I bit her nipple, she farted and then flew away."

A masked man walks into a sperm bank, points a gun at the woman behind the counter and shouts,' Open the safe!'

'But this is not a real bank!' the woman replies,' It's a sperm bank.'

'Open the safe or I'll shoot!' the man shouts.

The woman, now terrified opens the safe.

'Now take one of the bottles and drink it,' he says.

'But sir, these are sperm samples!' the woman replies.

'Just drink it or I'll shoot!'

The woman opens the bottle and drinks the lot.' Now take another bottle and drink it.'

'But sir, I just drank one!'

'Drink another one or I'll shoot you!'

The woman has no alternative and drinks a second bottle.

When she has emptied it, the man now takes off his mask and the woman is surprised to see the robber is her husband.

'Now you see, Honey,' he says,' It isn't so difficult, is it?'

by Peter Leppik

The following is a *true* story. It amused the hell out of me while it was happening. I hope it isn't one of those "had to be there" things.

On my way home from the second job I've taken for the extra holiday ca$h I need, I stopped at Taco Bell for a quick bite to eat. In my billfold is a $50 bill and a $2 bill. That is all of
the cash I have on my person. I figure that with a $2 bill, I can get something to eat and not have to worry about people getting mad at me.

Me: "Hi, I'd like one seven layer burrito please, to go."

Server: "Is that it?"

Me: "Yep."

Server: "That'll be $1. 04, eat here?"

Me: "No, it's "TO-GO" [I hate effort duplication]."

At this point I open my billfold and hand him the $2 bill. He looks at it kind of funny and

Server: "Uh, hang on a sec, I'll be right more...

A first-grade teacher was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked the boy, "What is your problem?"
The boy answers, "I'm too smart for the first-grade. My sister is in the third grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the third grade too!"
The Teacher had enough. She took the boy to the principal's office.
While the boy waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told the teacher he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first grade and behave. She agreed.
The boy was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.
Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"
Boy: "9."
Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"
Boy: "36."
And so it went with every question the principal thought a third grader should know. The principal more...

What to Do With All Those "Free" Soaps When Travelling This is some correspondence which actually occurred between a London hotel's staff and one of its guests. The London hotel involved submitted this to the Sunday Times. No name was mentioned. Dear Maid, Please do not leave any more of those little bars of soap in my bathroom since I have brought my own bath-sized Dial. Please remove the six unopened little bars from the shelf under the medicine chest and another three in the shower soap dish. They are in my way. Thank you, S. Berman ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Dear Room 635, I am not your regular maid. She will be back tomorrow, Thursday, from her day off. I took the 3 hotel soaps out of the shower soap dish as you requested. The 6 bars on your shelf I took out of your way and put on top of your Kleenex dispenser in case you should change your mind. This leaves only the 3 bars I left today which my instructions from the more...

In The United States District Court, Southwestern District, Tempe, Arizona Case No. B19293, Judge Lance Ito, PresidingWile E. Coyote, Plaintiff-vs. - Acme Company, DefendantOpening statement of Mr. Harold Schoff, attorney for Mr. Coyote: My client, Mr. Wile E. Coyote, a resident of Arizona and contiguous states, does hereby bring suit for damages against the Acme Company, manufacturer and retail distributor of assorted merchandise, incorporated in Delaware and doing business in every state, district, and territory. Mr. Coyote seeks compensation for personal injuries, loss of business income, and mental suffering caused as a direct result of the actions and/or gross negligence of said company, under Title 15 of the United States Code, Chapter 47, section 2072, subsection (a), relating to product liability. Mr. Coyote states that on eighty-five separate occasions he has purchased of the Acme Company (hereinafter, "Defendant"), through that company's mail-order department, more...