Online Jokes / Recent Jokes

[To the tune of "American Pie"]

A long, long, time ago
I can still remember when I dialed up their help desk lines.
And I knew if I had the chance
They could make my modem dance
with chats and GIFs and silly pick-up lines.

But Help Desk phone calls made me shiver
with every busy they`d deliver.
Bad news on the front page
A 19-hour outrage.

I can`t remember if I cried
when I realized that Steve Case had lied.
But something touched me deep inside
The day the service died.

So bye bye to Amer`ca Online
Drove my modem to a domain and it`s working just fine.
And good old geeks are cheering users offline
Saying this`ll be the day that they die.
This`ll be the day that they die.

Did you write the book of TOS
Will you send your password to PWD-BOSS
If an IM tells you so.
And will you believe the Motley Fool
When he tells you that the service more...

You Might Be Addicted to AOL if... Tech Support calls "You" for help... Someone at work tells you a joke and you say LOL... You have called out someone's screen name while making love to your significant other... You keep begging your friends to get an account so "we can hang out"... you have to get a second phone line just so you can call Domino's... you've ever typed "drinking on AOL is better than drinking alone"... you have a vanity car tag with your screen name on it... you no longer type with proper punctuation, capitalization, or complete sentences... you begin to say heh heh heh instead of laughing... when someone says "What did you say?" you reply "Scroll up!"... you sneak away to the computer in the middle of the night when your spouse is asleep... you know more about your AOL friends daily routines than you do your own family's... you lie to others about your time on-line and when they complain that your phone was busy you more...

"I'm in this private room consoling a depressed friend".
"You're different... I've never felt like this about someone I've never met before."
"I'm new online and haven't had time to creat a profile... but tell me more about yourself."
"I never do cybersex! Yet here in this room alone with you, well I'm getting excited"
"Yes of course I'm female..."
"No this is my only screen name... You mean you can have more then one?"
"I'm 5'4, blonde hair, blue eyes and guys love my body!" Male version is "I'm 6'0, great tan, and buffed from working out"
"I'm not like most of the guy's here, I just want to meet so we can just have coffee and get to know each other" (at the hotel coffee shop)
"I don't care what you look like, it's whats on the inside that counts" (Which is true, except it means "I'm horny and could care less, just type)
And the number one more...

Hello.
Yes, you. You, looking at this screen for hours on end, online. You, bleary eyed. You, an addict. Have you looked in the mirror lately? Been outside? Know what day of the week it is?
Your name was given to us by a spouse or family member who is concerned about your internet addiction. At Internetaholics Anonymous, we can help.
We're a non-profit society of recovering addicts like yourself that provides support and counseling through weekly meetings designed to help you cope with your problem.
We feature a twelve step recovery program and in extreme cases, interventions. Although it is our firm belief that you are never "cured," you most certainly can recover.
We have designed a brief checklist to determine if you are an addict. Do you: 1) Have twitches of the hand when you walk by your terminal?
2) Check e-mail more than five times a day?
3) Spend more time chatting than eating or sleeping?
4) Surf aimlessly with no direction, more...

Is there a 12 step, support group, or such?
For those of us folks who chat on line too much?
If there was a group, I would like it just fine,
Except that it prob'bly would be here online!
Are there therapists here? I think I saw some.
Its got me, its got me, its power is AWESOME!
It's my new computer, I've had it one week,
Now I look in the mirror and I see a real "geek."
Or maybe a geekess, but I see the signs.
Please help me, please help me, please get me offline!
Or better, please Email a burger and fries,
'Cause I'm staying ONLINE, at least 'til I die!

Is there a 12 step, support group, or such? For those of us folks who chat on line too much? If there was a group, I would like it just fine, Except that it prob'bly would be here online! Are there therapists here? I think I saw some.Its got me, its got me, its power is AWESOME! It's my new computer, I've had it one week, Now I look in the mirror and I see a real "geek."Or maybe a geekess, but I see the signs.Please help me, please help me, please get me offline! Or better, please Email a burger and fries,'Cause I'm staying ONLINE, at least 'til I die!

T'was the night before Christmas
I just couldn't sleep.
So I hopped out of bed
and downstairs I did creep.

I went to the kitchen
in search of a bite.
If I filled up my stomach,
perhaps I'd sleep tight.

The cupboard was empty
the fridge, it was bare.
I searched but I couldn't
find food anywhere.

I looked out the window:
Streets covered with snow;
at two in the morning
just where could I go?

I spied my computer,
I just go bootup that.
I'll take me online
for some Christmas Eve chat.

The modem connected
without a delay!
In the blink of an eye,
I'd be chatting away.

But-----no voice bid me "Welcome"
or said: "You've got mail."
And I thought now's a bad time
for my sound card to fail.

My buddy list opened
with not even one name.
Is everyone sleeping?
Well, I'll go play a more...