Opponents Jokes

The new name of my Fantasy Football team is going to be "Off Constantly".That way, all of my opponents will say, "this week my team is going to beat Off Constantly."Or, after a victory against me, my opponents will have to say, "Hooray, I beat Off Constantly!"

The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.Martinez, California:Gus Kramer faces an unusual challenge in his race for county assessor: His opponents would rather see a dead man elected.Kramer's only rival in the Contra Costa County race, Dan Hallissy, died of a heart attack April 10 - too late for anyone else to run.But Hallissy's name will remain on the ballot for the June 7 nonpartisan primary. And the incumbent assessor is working to get him elected.Voters should have "a chance to elect an honest, experienced person to this office," said assessor John Biasotti.A Hallissy victory would force a special election next March, open to any candidate.U.S. Representative Bill Baker, a Republican, also is backing the posthumous effort. His spokesman said voters should have a choice.Kramer, who briefly stopped campaigning to mark Hallissy's death, decried the effort as a "classical more...

Years ago, the chaplain of the football team at Notre Dame was a beloved old Irish priest. At confession one day, a football player told the priest that he had acted in an un-sportsman-like manner at a recent football game. "I lost my temper and said some bad words to one of my opponents."
"Ahhh, that? s a terrible thing for a Notre Dame lad to be doin?" the priest said. He took a piece of chalk and drew a mark across the sleeve of his coat.
"That? s not all, Father. I got mad and punched one of my opponents."
"Saints preserve us!" the priest said, making another chalk mark.
"There? s more. As I got out of a pileup, I kicked two of the other team? s players in the in a sensitive area."
"Oh, goodness me!" the priest wailed, making two more chalk marks on his sleeve. "Who in the world were we playin? when you did these awful things?"
"Southern Methodist."
"Ah, more...

The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny. Martinez, California: Gus Kramer faces an unusual challenge in his race for county assessor: His opponents would rather see a dead man elected. Kramer's only rival in the Contra Costa County race, Dan Hallissy, died of a heart attack April 10 -- too late for anyone else to run. But Hallissy's name will remain on the ballot for the June 7 nonpartisan primary. And the incumbent assessor is working to get him elected. Voters should have "a chance to elect an honest, experienced person to this office," said assessor John Biasotti. A Hallissy victory would force a special election next March, open to any candidate. U. S. Representative Bill Baker, a Republican, also is backing the posthumous effort. His spokesman said voters should have a choice. Kramer, who briefly stopped campaigning to mark Hallissy's death, decried the effort as a more...

Years ago, the chaplain of the football team at Notre Dame was a beloved old Irish priest. At confession one day, a football player told the priest that he had acted in an unsportsman-like manner at a recent football game. "I lost my temper and said some bad words to one of my opponents."

"Ahhh, that's a terrible thing for a Notre Dame lad to be doin'," the priest said. He took a piece of chalk and drew a mark across the sleeve of his coat.

"That's not all, Father. I got mad and punched one of my opponents."

"Saints preserve us!" the priest said, making another chalk mark.

"There's more. As I got out of a pileup, I kicked two of the other team's players in the in a sensitive area."

"Oh, goodness me!" the priest wailed, making two more chalk marks on his sleeve. "Who in the world were we playin' when you did these awful things?"

"Southern more...