Opposite Jokes / Recent Jokes

If pro is the opposite of con, then what is the opposite of progress?
Congress!

Just like every little kid who likes to do the opposite of what their parents say this kid did the opposite.
Today he ate a worm because his parents said not to.
Tomorrow he crashed the internet because his parents said not to.
On the day after that his parents told him not to eat his cooked vegetables and he didn't. His parents asked him why he didn't and he said " I don't care if I'm supposed to do the opposite, I'm not eating like a goat!"

Students in the psychology program at a Southern University were attending their first class on emotional extremes.
"In order to establish some parameters," the professor said to a student from Alabama, "What is the opposite of joy?"
"Sadness," replied the student.
"And what is the opposite of depression?" the professor asked a young lady from Mississippi.
"Elation," she answered.
"And you, young man," he said to a student from Texas, "what about the opposite of woe?"
"Well, sir, I believe that would be 'giddy-up'," the Texan replied.

A man in a bar walks up to the bartender and says "I will bet you
$100 that if you set a shot glass down at the opposite side of the bar and I stand at this end of it I can pee in it without getting a single drop on the bar!"
The bartender thinks for a moment, and then finally slaps down $100. He goes and sets up the shot glass at the opposite end of the bar. The man climbs up on top of the bar, pulls down his pants and proceeds to pee all over the counter and the bar patrons without making a single drop into the shot glass.
Although the bartender is disgusted he says "Well it looks like you lost a hundred on that one!"
The man smiles smiles, points to a few stunned men at a table and says "that's okay, I bet those guys $200 that you'd let me climb on top of the bar and pee on everthing"

ahz: the things you see with
aig: which come first, the chicken or the aig?
arn: an electrical instrument used to remove wrinkles from clothing.
bawl: what water does at 212 degrees.
bidness: commercial enterprise
bobbycue: a delectable southern sandwich of chopped pork, cole slaw an a fiery sauce.
co-cola: any form/brand of soft drink.
clinics: a tissue
crine: weeping
dawfins: name of the pro football team in Miami.
daints: a more or less formal event in which members of the opposite sex hold each other and move rhythmically to the sound of music.
dayum: an expletive; in other states, a four-letter word.
doc: a condition caused by an absence of light.
ever: each, as in "She's bin crine ever day since JJ run off".
far: combustion
git: to acquire
goff: a game played with clubs and a little white ball.
hep: a cry for assistance, as in "HEP! There's a far!
hoss: a large, solid-hoofed, herbivorous more...

The aspiring psychiatrists were attending their first class on emotional extremes. "Just to establish some parameters," said the professor to the student from Arkansas, "What is the opposite of joy?""Sadness," said the student.And the opposite of depression?" he asked of the young lady from Oklahoma."Elation," said she."And you sir," he said to the young man from Texas, "how about the opposite of woe?"The Texan replied, "Sir, I believe that would be giddy-up."

The aspiring psychiatrists were attending their first class on emotional extremes.
"Just to establish some parameters," said the professor, to the student from Arkansas, "What is the opposite of joy?"
"Sadness," said the student.
"And the opposite of depression?" he asked of the young lady from Oklahoma.
"Elation," she said.
"And you sir," he said to the young man from Texas, "How about the opposite of woe?"
The Texan replied, "Sir, I believe that would be 'giddy up'."