Opposite Jokes / Recent Jokes

Is each here? Does each have his opposite?
I am here, but my opposite is you.
Huh?
Don't let him bug ya'. We're here.
My opposite is not here.
Is your opposite "Lies"?
My opposite is "Void." He couldn't make it.
>snicker< Figures!
Agh! How are we going to seat five! This table is made for six!
Just take out his chair and move over. Sheesh!
I have the cards.
I've got the chips.
I have the beer.
I have the cards!
Shut up.
...
Whose deal is it?
Do ya' gotta ask that EVERY time?
It is Good's deal.
OK, five card draw...uh, everything is wild.
How can anyone win if everything is wild?
No ONE can win, but we all can call ourselves winners if...
I like this game.
This is pointless.
It is time to deal.
Here we go! Your bet, Truth.
Five.
Five and raise you five.
Don't you morons get it? It doesn't matter how much you bet!
I like ten more...

There is a sale on any item, you buy 100 of them. You put your clothes in suitcases instead of wardrobes. You have a' Singer Brother' sewing machine at home. Your mother has a minor disagreement with her (or your dad's) sister and doesn't talk to her for ten years. You call an older person you've never met before "uncle". You hide everything from your parents. Your mother does everything for you if you are male. You do all the housework and cooking if you are female. Your relatives alone could populate a small city. Everyone is a family friend. Everyone always called you for help on homework. You read law, medicine or engineering at university. You were thick (i. e. stupid) so you studied accounting or business instead. You know no one who has studied music. You went to a university as far away from home as possible. You still came back home to live with your parents after you had finished. Your best friend got married at the age of 16. You only make telephone calls after more...

Make love, not war. Hell, do both: get married!
* Women's Restroom; The Filling Station. Bozeman, MontanaI've decided that to raise my grades, I must lower my standards.
* Houghton Library, Harvard University. Cambridge, Massachusetts.It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
* Written in the dust on the back of a bus. Wickenburg, Arizona.If voting could really change things, it would be illegal.
* Revolution Books. New York, New York.A Woman's Rule of Thumb: If it has tires or testicles, you're going to have trouble with it.
* Women's Restroom, Dick's Last Resort. Dallas, Texas.No matter how good she looks, some other guy is sick and tired of putting up with her crap.
* Men's Restroom, Linda's Bar and Grill. Chapel Hill, North Carolina.If pro is opposite of con, then what is the opposite of progress? Congress!
* Men's Restroom, House of Representatives. Washington, D.C.

Acute: Opposite of an ugly

Artery: The study of paintings

Bacteria: Back door of a cafeteria

Barium: What doctors do to dead patients

Benign: What you are after you`re eight.

Bowel: Letter like A, E, I, O, or U

Cat scan: Searching for a kitty

Cauterize: Made eye contact with her

Cesarean Section: Neighborhood in Rome

Colic: A sheep dog

Concussion: A prisoner`s sofa

Congenital: To be friendly

D & C: Where the White House is

Dilate: To live too long

Enema: Not a friend

Fester: Quicker

Fibula: A small lie

GI series: A soldier ball game

Hangnail: A coat hook

Impotent: Distinguished, well known

Jaundice: To include in a group

Kinesthetics: Relationships among relatives

Labor pain: Getting hurt at work

Leper: A wild more...

Florida State football coach Bill Peterson: "You guys line up alphabetically by height." He also said, "You guys pair up in groups of three, then line up in a circle."
Mike Tyson, about writer Wallace Matthews: "He called me a rapist and a recluse. I'm not a recluse."
Weightlifting commentator Pat Glenn: "This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing."
Alan Minter: "There have been injuries and deaths in boxing, but none of them serious."
Football coach Bill Peterson: "Men, I want you just thinking of one word all season. One word and one word only: Super Bowl."
Basketball player Jason Kidd: "We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees."
Soccer coach Ron Greenwood: "I don't hold water with that theory."
Baseball player Pedro Guerrero, on sportswriters: "Sometimes they write what I say and not what I mean."
Tennis more...

An old preacher was just getting out of church and was driving home through his neighborhood. As he was turning the corner of one of the major streets in his neighborhood, he noticed 3 boys playing dice on the sidewalk, and betting money along with it. The old preacher thinks to himself how awful the situation is, that these young children are already heading down the life of sin and he should do something to stop it.
The old preacher pulls over and gets out on the opposite side of the street and starts walking over to the boys. He calls out to the oldest looking on and asked the boy to "come here" so that as he's walking towards the boys, the oldest boy would be walking toward him. When the boy reached him, the old preacher asked him what he was doing.
"Gambling, sir" retorted the boy
"Gambling?! How old are you son?" asked the preacher.
"I'm 14"
"14?! Well if you turn that around, you'll be 41. You'll have reached the more...

The Ten Commandments
1. Thou shall not squeeze too hard on the opposite sexes genetalia
2. Thou shall not ask for a kiss, just give one or take one
3. Thou shall kiss at every given opportunity
4. If thou kissed someone, and was slapped, thou shalt not kiss her again.
5. Thou shall never bite when in the act of french kissing
6. Thou shall not pay for sexual intercourse
7. Thou shall not date members of state or Musicians
8. Thou shall not have sexual intercourse in public convieniences.
9. thou should never turn down free sexual intercourse
10. Procreate at will
Religions of the world
Taoism: Shit happens
Confucianism: Confucius say, shit happens
Hinduism: This shit has happened before
Buddhism: Shit happens, yet shit does not happen
Islam: Shit happens, is Allah wills
Judaism: Why does this shit always happen to me?
Protestantism: Let shit happen to other people
Catholicism: If shit more...