Oral Jokes / Recent Jokes
A young priest has just left the seminary and been sent to his first parish to work alongside an old experienced priest Father Brown.
When he arrives the old priest welcomes him with open arms, explaining that he has been working alone and hasn't had a day off in years. He asks the new priest to take confesson so that he can have a break.
The young priest is very nervous as he hasn't done it for real before.
The old priest explains that it's easy as he has produced a tariff, and he gives him the list:
Telling lies - one Hail Mary;
Stealing - one Our Father;
etc;
etc.
So the young priest goes into the confessional and everything seems to be going okay.
"Father, I have told a lie," - one Hail Mary
"Father, I have stolen," - one Our Father
The next sinner is a bit of a problem:
"Father, I have performed oral sex."
He looks down the list and it's not included.
In panic he opens the door and is relieved more...
Standardized Guide to the Bases Do you remember middle school/junior high/high school? If so, do you remember talking about' the bases' with your friends?"Yeah man, at the dance, X and Y went behind the gym and they got tosecond base!"Well that was cool and all, but what the hell was secondbase? Tongue kissing? Up the shirt? Noone was really sure. Also, thebases tended to get progressively more intense as you got older. What's aperson to do? Here, we mourn the passing of using baseball ananlogies to describesexual activity. But let's face it, there are more than four stages intodays day and age of sex play. So, in the interests of both bringingbaseball sex metaphors in line with the complications of modern romanceand with standardizing the bases, we present the Standardized Guide to theBases. First, let's examine what the bases could have meant in the old days. --First Base- This was almost always kissing, although one guyI knew thought it meant holding hands. Sometimes it more...
There once was a lawyer who was so fanatical about his golf game that he used to play every day without fail. One morning he had played the first hole and was just about to tee off on the second, when he saw the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen putting on the first.
The lawyer waited until the woman had reached the second tee and asked if she would like to join him and they could finish the round together. To his surprise the woman agreed and they played the remaining holes. Not only was this woman beautiful, she was also a good golfer.
When they completed their round, the lawyer told the woman that, not only was he a lawyer, but he was also a cordon bleu chef and wine buff. He invited her back to his place for a meal and a few drinks. The woman accepted enthusiastically and off they went. Back at the house the lawyer cooked a magnificent meal. In fact it was more than just cooking it was a performance to behold. They enjoyed good food, good wine and good more...
Q. "So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?" A. "Yes." Q. "And what were you doing at that time?" Q. "She had three children, right?" A. "Yes." Q. "How many were boys?" A. "None." Q. "Were there any girls?" Q. "You say the stairs went down to the basement?" A. "Yes." Q. "And these stairs, did they go up also?" Q. "Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?" A. "I went to Europe, Sir." Q. "And you took your new wife?" Q. "How was your first marriage terminated?" A. "By death." Q. "And by whose death was it terminated?" Q. "Can you describe the individual?" A. "He was about medium height and had a beard." Q. "Was this a male, or a female?" Q. "Is your appearance here this morning due to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?" A. more...
10:00 Wake Up
10:02 Oral Sex
10:10 Big Breakfast
11:30 Drive up coast in Ferrari with gorgeous babe with big hooters
2:15 Enormous lunch
3:15 Oral Sex
3:25 Play sports with the guys
4:30 Drink beer with the guys
5:30 Meet Claudia Schiffer
5:40 Oral Sex
6:50 Huge dinner, more beer
11:00 Full on, get down, gorilla sex
11:10 Sleep
After having been commissioned by God to take a survey of how man was doing on Earth, Stupider now stood before his boss ready to present his findings. "Tell me, St. Peter, what have you found out?" God asked. "I'm very sorry to have to tell you this, but the people are behaving in a sinful manner. There are drugs, alcohol, murders, you name it - a regular Sodom and Gomorra. But the worst is this new obsession with oral sex. According to my survey, 88% of the population is doing it. Even four out of five dentists recommend it. I'm afraid it has reached epidemic proportions."
"Hmmm," God said thoughtfully, "Do you have any recommendations as to what should be done to put an end to this sexual perversion?"
"I think we should send a message to everyone on Earth who engages in oral sex. The contents of that message should tell them exactly what will happen to them on judgment day if they do not stop this type of activity." more...
Q: What is your date of birth? A: July fifteenth. Q: What year? A: Every year. Q: This myasthenia gravis - does it affect your memory at all? A: Yes. Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory? A: I forget. Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten? Q: All your responses must be oral, okay? What school did you go to? A: Oral. Q: How old is your son - the one living with you. A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which. Q: How long has he lived with you? A: Forty-five years. Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning? A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?" Q: And why did that upset you? A: My name is Susan. Q: Sir, what is your IQ? A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think. Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in the voodoo occult? A: We both do. Q: Voodoo? A: We do. Q: You do? A: Yes, voodoo. Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about more...