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A woman is pregnant with triplets. The first fetus turns to the other two and says, "When I get outta here and grow up, I'm gonna be a plumber."
"Why a plumber?" ask the other two.
The first replies, "Because of all the damn water in here."
"That makes sense," reply the others.
Then, the second fetus says, "When I grow up, I'm gonna be an electrician."
"Why an electrician?" the others ask.
"Because it's so damn dark in here," replies the second.
"That makes sense too," the others comment.
The third one then says, "When I grow up, I'm gonna be a hunter."
"Why a hunter?" ask the other two.
The third replies, "Because if that damn gopher sticks his head up here one more time, I'm gonna kill it!"

26 Things That A
Perfect Guy Would Do
1. Know how to make you smile when you are down.

2. Try to secretly smell your hair, but you always
notice.
3. Stick up for you, but still respects your
independence.
4. Give you the remote control during the game.
5. Come up behind you and put his arms around you.
6. Play with your hair.
7. His hands always find yours.
8. Be cute when he really wants something.
9. Offer you plenty of massages.
10. Dance with you, even if he feels like a dork.
11. Never run out of love.
12. Be funny, but know how to be serious.
13. Realize he's being funny when he needs to be
serious.
14. Be patient when you take forever to get ready.
15. React so cutely when you hit him and it actually
hurts.
16. Smile a lot.
17. Plans a romantic date full of cheesy things he
wouldn't normally like to do, just because he knows it
means a lot to more...

Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 99 copies.
Sit in your yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down
Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."
If you have a glass eye, tap on it with your pen while talking to others.
Sing along at the opera.
Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep them tuned up."
Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think."
Practice making fax and modem noises.
Highlight irrelevant material in scientific papers and "cc." them to your boss.
Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.
Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with prophesy."
Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.
Disassemble your pen and "accidentally" flip the cartridge across the room.
Holler random more...

Suggestions for Guys Golfing or Using A Public Bathroom:
Back straight, knees bent, feet shoulder width apart.
Form a loose grip.
Keep your head down.
Avoid a quick backswing.
Stay out of the water.
Try not to hit anyone.
If you are taking too long, please let others go ahead of you.
Don't stand directly in front of others.
Quiet please!... while others are preparing to go.
Don't take extra strokes.

Suggestions for Guys Golfing or Using A Public Bathroom:Back straight, knees bent, feet shoulder width apart.Form a loose grip.Keep your head down.Avoid a quick backswing.Stay out of the water.Try not to hit anyone.If you are taking too long, please let others go ahead of you.Don't stand directly in front of others.Quiet please!... while others are preparing to go.Don't take extra strokes.

I've learned that I like my teacher because she cries when we sings "Silent Night".
Age 5 I've learned that our dog doesn't want to eat my broccoli either.
Age 7 I've learned that when I wave to people in the country, they stop what they are doing and wave back.
Age 9 I've learned that just when I get my room the way I like it, Mom makes me clean it up again.
Age 12 I've learned that if you want to cheer yourself up, you should try cheering someone else up.
Age 14 I've learned that although it's hard to admit it, I'm secretly glad my parents are strict with me.
Age 15 I've learned that silent company is often more healing than words of advice.
Age 24 I've learned that brushing my child's hair is one of life's great pleasures.
Age 26 I've learned that wherever I go, the world's worst drivers have followed me there.
Age 29 I've learned that if someone says something unkind about me, I must live so that no one will believe more...

The opening credits of The Simpsons(tm) shows Bart Simpson writing the same sentence over and over again on the chalkboard. Here are the collected writings of Bart Simpson from the opening credits. I will not carve gods. I will not spank others. I will not aim for the head. I will not barf unless I'm sick. I saw nothing unusual in the teacher's lounge. I will not conduct my own fire drills. Funny noises are not funny. I will not snap bras. I will not fake seizures. This punishment is not boring and pointless. My name is not Dr. Death. I will not prescribe medication. I will not bury the new kid. I will not teach others to fly. I will not bring sheep to class. A burp is not an answer. Teacher is not a leper. I will not eat things for money. I will not yell "She's Dead" at roll call. The principal's toupee is not a Frisbee. I will not call the principal "spud head". Goldfish don't bounce. Mud is not one of the 4 food groups. No one is interested in my underpants. I more...