Ouch Jokes / Recent Jokes

A guy walked into a bar.
He said:
Ouch!!!
Do you get it?
If not, try replacing bar with pole

*** Things that can and do bother the "normal" person. ***Having to try on a pair of sunglasses with that stupid little plastic thingy in the middle of them. The person behind you in the supermarket runs his cart into the back of your ankle. The same person that gives you a "blank stare" when you look at them. There's always a car riding your tail when you're slowing down to find an address. You open a can of soup and the lid falls in. It's bad enough that you step in dog poop, but you don't realize it till you walk across your living room rug. Especailly since you don't even have a dog! There's a dog in the neighborhood that barks at EVERYTHING. You can never put anything back in a box the way it came. Three hours and three meetings after lunch you look in the mirror anddiscover a piece of parsley stuck to your front tooth. You drink from a soda can into which someone has extinguished a cigarette. You slice your tongue licking an envelope... OUCH! Your tire gauge more...

Walking up to a department store's fabric counter, a prettygirl asked, "I want to buy this material for a new dress. How much does it cost?""Only one kiss per yard, " replied the smirking male clerk."That's fine," replied the girl. "I'll take ten yards."With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the clerk hurriedly measured out and wrapped the cloth, thenheld it out teasingly.The girl snapped up the package and pointed to a little oldman standing beside her. "Grandpa will pay the bill," she smiled.

Lorena Bobbitt had just cut off her husband's penis. She was driving down the road, wondering what to do with it, when the thought struck her to toss it out the window. The penis bounced off the windscreen of the car travelling in the opposite direction."Shit," said the driver to his passenger. "What kind of bug was that?""Dunno," he replied. "But did you see the size of the cock on it?!"

How did it happen? the doctor asked the middle-aged farmhand as he setthe man's broken leg."Well, doc, 25 years ago...""Never mind the past. Tell me how you broke your leg this morning.""Like I was saying...25 years ago, when I first started working on thefarm, that night, right after I'd gone to bed, the farmer's beautifuldaughter came into my room. She asked me if there was anything I wanted.I said no, everything is fine. "Are you sure?", she asked. "I'm sure, I said. "Isn't there anything I can do for you?" she wanted to know."I reckon not" I replied..."Excuse me," said the doctor, "What does this story have to do with your leg?""Well, this morning," the farmhand explained, "when it dawned on me whatshe meant, I fell off the roof!"

A man walked into the clubhouse and noticed a friend sitting in a corner wearing a neck brace.He sat down and asked his mate what happened."Well, I was playing golf and I hit my ball into the rough," replied his friend."Then I met a chick who was looking for her ball too. Finding mine, I thought I'd give her a hand. There was a cow nearby and I noticed that every time the cow twitched its tail there was a flash of white. So I went over to it and lifted its tail and sure enough there was the ball. I called out to the chick and said, 'Lady, does this look like yours?' And the bitch hit me in the neck with her driver!"

Fred goes to a doctor and says, "Doc, I want to be castrated." Doc says, "Look, I don't know what kind of cult you're into orwhat your motives are, but I'm not going to do that sort of operation." Fred: "Doc, I just want to be castrated, and I'm a littleembarrassed about talking about it, but I have $5,000 cash right here.Will you do it?" Doc says, "Well, OK, I guess I could make this one exception. I don't understand it, but OK." He puts Fred to sleep, does the trick, and is waiting at thebedside when Fred wakes up. "Well, Doc, how'd it go?" Fred asks. "It went fine, just fine. It's really not too difficult of anoperation. As a matter of fact, $5,000 is a lot to pay for such a simple task, and I felt a little guilty about taking that much. So, while I was operating, I also noticed that you had never been circumcised, so I wentahead and did that, too. I think, it's really better for a man to becircumcised, and I hope you don't more...