Ouch Jokes / Recent Jokes
A lady swallowed a super Gillette razor blade and her doctor discovered that not only had she given herself a tonsillectomy, an appendectomy and a hysterectomy, but she had also castrated her husband, circumcised her lover, taken two fingers off a casual acquaintance, and given a vicar a hair lip.And, there were still 5 shaves left!
This girl walks in to a doctors office and she asks "Whats a failic symbol? Doctor says "you're kidding.."Girl says "no! I don't know! Whats a failic symbol???"Doctor pulls his pants and underwear down and says "You see? This is afailic symbol!"Girl says "Oh! Its just like a penis, only smaller"
What is total agony? A one-armed man hanging from a twenty story
building, with a serious case of jock itch.
What is total agony? A one-armed man hanging from a twenty storybuilding, with a serious case of jock itch.
A man walks along a lonely beach. Suddenly he hears a deep voice: DIG! He looks around: nobody's there. I am having hallucinations, he thinks. Then he hears the voice again: I SAID, DIG! So he starts to dig in the sand with his bare hands, and after some inches, he finds a small chest with a rusty lock. The deep voice says: OPEN! Ok, the man thinks, let's open the thing. He finds a rock with which to destroy the lock, and when the chest is finally open, he sees a lot of gold coins. The deep voice says: TO THE CASINO! Well the casino is only a few miles away, so the man takes the chest and walks to the casino. The deep voice says: ROULETTE! So he changes all the gold into a huge pile of roulette tokens and goes to one of the tables, where the players gaze at him with disbelief. The deep voice says: 27! He takes the whole pile and drops it at the 27. The table nearly bursts. Everybody is quiet when the croupier throws the ball. The ball stops at the 26. The deep voice says: SHIT !
Once the club duffer challenged the local golf pro to a match, with a$100 bet on the side. "But," said the duffer, "since you're obviouslymuch better than I, to even it a bit you have to spot me two'gotchas'."The golf pro didn't know what a 'gotcha' was, but he went along with it.And off they went. Coming back to the 19th hole, the rest of the club memberswere amazed to see the golf pro paying the duffer $100."What happened?" asked one of the members. "Well," said the pro, "I was teeingup for the first hole, and as I brought the club down, the jerk stuck his handbetween my legs and grabbed my balls while yelling 'Gotcha!' Have you evertried to play 18 holes of golf waiting for the second 'gotcha'?"
Ed and Ted met for the first time in twenty years. "So, how's life been for you?" Ed asked."Not too good," Ted replied. "My first wife died of cancer, my second wife turned out to be a lesbian and ran off with another woman and took all our savings, my son's in prison for trying to kill me, my daughter got run over by a bus, my house was hit by a low-flying aircraft, my vintage car rolled off the dockside into the sea, I had to have my dog put down recently, my doctor says that I have an incurable disease and to cap it all my business has just gone bust.""Oh dear, that sounds terrible." Ed said. "What business were you in?""I sell lucky charms," said Ted.