Own Jokes / Recent Jokes

Yo mama's so fat

- Yo Mama's so fat, she couldn't fit in a satellite photo. - Yo Mama's so fat, she's on both sides of the family. - Yo Mama's so fat, when she fell over, she rocked herself asleep trying to get up again. - Yo Mama's so fat, when she sat on a dollar bill, blood came out of George Washington's nose - Yo Mama's so fat, the telephone company gave her two area codes - Yo Mama's so fat, the back of her neck looks like a pack of hotdogs - Yo Mama's so fat, when she goes to the beach, kids shout: "Free Willy! free Willy!" - Yo Mama's so fat, she's got her own zip code - Yo Mama's so fat, people jog around her for exercise - Yo Mama's so fat, when she plays hopscotch, she goes New York, L. A., Chicago... - Yo Mama's so fat, if she weighed 5 more pounds, she could get group insurance. - Yo Mama's so fat, she jumped in air and got stuck. - Yo Mama's so fat, when she wears Maclom X shirt, helicopters land on her. - Yo Mama's so fat, when she bungee jumps, she more...

Weight ControlHere's the guide to calorie-burning activities and the number of calories perhour they consume. Beating around the bush.. . . . . . . . 75Jumping to conclusions. . . . . . . . 100Climbing the walls. . . . . . . . . . 150Swallowing your pride.. . . . . . . . . 50Passing the buck. . . . . . . . . . . . 25Throwing your weight around (depending on your weight).. . . 50-300Dragging your heels.. . . . . . . . . 100Pushing your luck.. . . . . . . . . . 250Making mountains out of molehills.. . 500Hitting the nail on the head. . . . . . 50Wading through paperwork. . . . . . . 300Bending over backwards. . . . . . . . 75Jumping on the bandwagon. . . . . . . 200Balancing the books.. . . . . . . . . . 25Running around in circles.. . . . . . 350Eating crow.. . . . . . . . . . . . . 225Tooting your own horn.. . . . . . . . . 25Climbing the ladder of success. . . . 750Pulling out the stops.. . . . . . . . . 75Adding fuel to the fire.. . . . . . . 160Wrapping it up at the day's end.. . . more...

In 1993, the American Government funded a study to see why the head of a man's penis was larger than the shaft. After one year and $180, 000. 00, they concluded that the reason the head was larger than the shaft was to give the man more pleasure during sex. After the US published the study, France decided to do their own study. After $250, 000. 00, and 3 years of research, they concluded that the reason was to give the woman more pleasure during sex. Poland, unsatisfied with these findings, conducted their own study. After 2 weeks and a cost of around $75. 46, they concluded that it was to keep a man's hand from flying off and hitting him in the forehead.

Why did the poor dog chase his own tail? He was trying to make both ends meet!

Reasons why it's great to be a guyPhone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks. A five day vacation requires only one suitcase. Monday Night Football. Your bathroom lines are 80% shorter. You can open all your own jars. Old friends don't annoy you if you've lost or gained weight. Dry cleaners and haircutters don't rob you blind. When clicking through the channel, you don't have to stall on every shot of someone crying. A beer gut does not make you invisible to the opposite sex. Guys in hockey masks don't attack you. You don't have to lug a bag of useful stuff around everywhere you go. You can go to the bathroom without a support group. Your last name stays put. You can leave a hotel bed unmade. When your work is criticized, you don't have to panic that everyone secretly hates you. You can kill your own food. The garage is all yours. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. You see the humor in Terms of Endearment. You never have to more...

To those of us who have children in our lives, whether they are our own, grandchildren, nieces, nephews, or students... here is something to make you chuckle.
Whenever your children are out of control, you can take comfort from the thought that even God's omnipotence did not extend to His own children.
After creating heaven and earth, God created Adam and Eve. And the first thing he said was, "DON'T!"
"Don't what?" Adam replied.
"Don't eat the forbidden fruit," God said.
" Forbidden fruit? We have forbidden fruit? Hey Eve... we have forbidden fruit!!!!!"
"No Way!"
"Yes way!"
"Do NOT eat the fruit!" said God.
"Why?"
"Because I am your Father and I said so!" God replied, wondering why He hadn't stopped creation after making the elephants. A few minutes later, God saw His children having an apple break and He was ticked!
"Didn't I tell you more...

Q: How many light bulbs does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One, if it knows its own Goedel number.

Note: I thought this was something to do with the maths/logic theories of Kurt Goedel, about it being impossible to prove things, and finally a more complete explanation arrived in my mailbox: - A Goedel Number is one of several ways to encode a Turing Machine, the classical abstraction of a computer, or for that matter of any algorithm. The idea (as best I see it) is that if the machine knows its own Goedel Number it can simulate itself... It does come from the mathematician Goedel - partly because he used TMs in his famous theorem, I believe.)

Q: How many spies does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Why bother?

Q: How many KGB agents does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Two: One to screw it in and the other to check it for microphones.

Q: How many Trimarians does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Leave it out, it more...