Oxford Jokes

- From the interviewee: "I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father." (Greg Norman)

- "There have been injuries and deaths in boxing, but none of them serious." (Alan Minter)

- "Just under 10 seconds for Nigel Mansel. Call it 9.5 seconds in round numbers." (Murray Walker)

- "A brain scan revealed that Andrew Caddick is not suffering from stress fracture of the shin." (Jo Sheldon)

- "That's inches away from being millimetre perfect." (Ted Lowe)

- "I'll fight Lloyd Honeyghan for nothing if the price is right." (Marlon Starling)

- "I can't tell who's leading. It's either Oxford or Cambridge." (John Snagge - Boat Race between only Oxford and Cambridge)

- "The Queen's Park Oval, exactly as its name suggests, is absolutely round." (

An American was visiting Oxford University for the first time, and stopped a passing Oxford don to ask a question.

"Excuse me," said the American, "can you tell me if that's Trinity College I'm looking at?

"You are probably unaware" sneered the don, "that you have just ended your sentence with a preposition. You may wish to rephrase your question."

The American began again: "Can you tell me if that's Trinity College I'm looking at, YOU JERK!"

Three college friends, one each from the Universities of Oxford, Cambridge and Loughborough, decided to pool their funds and go to the Olympics in Barcelona. The airfare and hotel rates ate up most of their money so they didn`t have enough to get into the stadium to see the events.

So they stood around the gate, watching all the other people get in and then noticed that some people didn`t have to pay. Whenever an athlete passed the guard with his (or her) equipment, the guard would simply nod and let them through. So the three visitors quickly trotted off to a nearby hardware shop and came back to try to get in.

The Oxford student walked up to the guard and gestured at the long pole he carried. "Pole vaulting," he said, and the guard waved him through.

The Cambridge student, having rigged up a ball to a length of chain, approached the guard next and showed of his wares. "Hammer throwing," he said, and the guard shrugged and waved more...

Cattle rustling is punishable by hanging. Horses are not to be housed within 50 feet of any road. Vagrancy is punishable by either 30 days in prison or a $201 fine. Columbus: The fine for waving a gun in public is higher than actually shooting it. Oxford: It is illegal to drive around the town square more than 100 times in a single session. Oxford: One may not spit on the sidewalks on the square. Oxford: Motor vehicles on the square are prohibited. Oxford: Horn honking is not permitted as it might scare horses. Tylertown: It is unlawful to shave in the center of main street.

An Oxford philosopher was giving a lecture on the philosophy of language at Columbia University, and came to a curious aspect of the English language. "You will note," said the stuffy Oxford scholar, "that in the English language, two negatives can mean a positive, but never is it the case that two positives can mean a negative." To which someone in the back responded, "yeah, yeah."