Package Jokes / Recent Jokes

The Indian actor goes to a department store to buy some toilet paper, and asks, "Me want four rolls that toilet paper." The store manager says, "Okay, Injun, that will be $6.00." The Indian says, "Too much money. Have other kind of paper?" The manager says, "Yes. We have toilet paper with no name outside the package, four rolls for $2.00." The Indian says, "Okay, take it. Take paper. But why that one less?" And the store manager says, "Because it doesn't have a name on the outside of the package." And the Indians says, "Okay, take paper."

A couple of days later the Indian comes back to the store and says to the manager, "I know what to call paper I buy from you." The manager says, "What do you call it?" The Indians says, "John Wayne toilet paper." The manager says, "Why do you call it John Wayne toilet paper?" And the Indian says, "Because it rough, tough and more...

Diet for Stress How's your stress level? This should help. It is more than a diet, so read on... This diet is designed to help you cope with the stress that builds up during the day.Breakfast:1/2 grapefruit 1 slice whole wheat toast 8 oz. skim milkLunch: 4 oz. lean broiled chicken breast 1 cup steamed spinach 1 cup herb tea 1 Oreo cookieMid-Afternoon snack: The rest of Oreos in the package 2 pints Rocky Road ice cream with nuts, cherries and whipped cream 1 jar hot fudge sauceDinner: 2 loaves garlic bread 4 cans or 1 large pitcher Coke 1 large sausage, mushroom and cheese pizza 3 Snickers barsLate Evening News: Entire frozen Sara Lee cheesecake (eaten directly from freezer)Rules for this Diet1. If you eat something and no one sees you eat it, it has no calories.2. If you drink a diet soda with a candy bar, the calories in the candy jar are canceled out by the diet soda.3. When you eat with someone else, calories don't count if you do not eat more than they do.4. Food used for more...

Do you need a silencer if you are going to shoot a mime?

Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?

How does the VCR clock work anyway?

How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings?

How many times do you use a disposable razor?

If a cow laughed, would milk come out of her nose?

If our knees bent the other way, what would a chair look like?

If superman is so clever, why does he wear his underwear on the outside?

If you are refinishing a table, shouldn't you have to restart?

If you have 24 odds and ends on a table, and 23 fall off, what do you have left, an odd or an end?

If you are cross-eyed and dyslexic at the same time, would see okay?

You know how most well labeled packages say "Open Here". What is the protocol if the package says, "Open Somewhere Else"?

When it rains, the sky is more...

For thirty Years I have been a Travel Agent, serving our legislators and their staffs. This is how I know we're in trouble!
I had a New Hampshire Congresswoman ask for an aisle seat on the plane, so that her hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window.
I got a call from a candidate's staffer, who wanted to go to Capetown. I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information. Then she interrupted me with, "I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Capetown is in Massachusetts." Without trying to make her look like the stupid one, I calmly explained, "Cape Cod is in Massachusetts, Capetown is in Africa." Her response. (click).
A senior Vermont Congressman called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that is not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state. He replied, "Don't lie to me, I more...

Philadelphia - Authorities who believed they had a bomb on their hands yesterday are now trying to figure out where a box of cooked crayfish originated and where it was going.
The box was found between two cars early yesterday in a parking garage near a terminal at Philadelphia International Airport. Police dog Teddy confirmed something was fishy.
Airport spokesman Mark Pesce said the package, about the size of a shoe box, was wrapped in duct tape and had no mailing address.
"It didn't look like an average traveling box," Pesce said.
After some sniffing around, investigators summoned firefighters, bomb squad members and a robot used to detonate explosives. X-rays then showed the package contained only the small crustaceans essential to Cajun cooking.
"We were hoping it was cookies," Pesce said.
From The Daily Collegian

The following are actual stories provided by travel agents * I had someone ask for an aisle seat so that their hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window.* A client called in inquiring about a package to Hawaii. After going over all the cost info, she asked, "Would it be cheaper to fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii?"* I got a call from a woman who wanted to go to Capetown. I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information when she interrupted me with "I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Capetown is in Massachusetts. "Without trying to make her look like the stupid one, I calmly explained, "Capecod is in Massachusetts, Capetown is in Africa." Her response... click.* A man called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that is not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the more...

1. I had someone ask for an aisle seat so that their hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window.
2. A client called in inquiring about a package to Hawaii. After going over all the cost information, she asked, "Would it be cheaper to fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii?"
3. I got a call from a woman who wanted to go to Capetown. I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information when she interrupted me with "I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Cape Town is in Massachusetts." Without trying to make her look like the stupid one, I calmly explained, "Cape Cod is in Massachusetts, Capetown is in Africa."
Her response was "click."
4. A man called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that is not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state. He more...