Paddy Jokes / Recent Jokes

Although in recent years, the Irish seem to have been shamefully neglected as a good group to ridicule (except perhaps in the UK), I come from a huge (what other kind is there?) Irish family, and telling jokes at our own expense occupies a lot of our time at family gatherings, e. g.: A VERY pregnant Irish woman awakes in the middle of the night and says to her husband, "Paddy, darlin' turn on the light, the baby's comin'"
Paddy turns on the light, and they successfully deliver a little baby, get it fed, stick it in a cradle, and go back to sleep.
A bit later, the wife says,"Bejesus, Paddy, turn on the light. It's twins, it is!"
Paddy turns on the light; second baby delivered, fed, cradled; couple goes back to sleep.
(This happens as many times as you like)
Finally, the wife awakens, and cries, "Bejesus, Paddy, another one, turn on the light!"
Paddy, without turning over in bed, says: "I will not. It's the light that's more...

Three Irishmen, Paddy, Sean and Shamus, were stumbling home late one night and found themselves on the road which led past the old graveyard. "Come have a look over here," says Paddy, "It's Michael O'Grady's grave, God bless his soul. He lived to the ripe old age of 87." "That's nothing," says Sean, "here's one named Patrick O'Toole. It says here that he was 95 when he died." Just then, Shamus yells out, "But here's a fella that died when he was 145 years old!" "What was his name?" asks Paddy. Shamus lights a match to see what else is written on the stone marker, and exclaims, "Miles, from Dublin."

The local priest came across Paddy who had stumbled out of the town tavern. "Paddy," he said, " I'm afraid I'll not be seeing you in Heaven one day." "Really, Father?" slurred Paddy. "What have you done?"

A frog walks into his local bank and walks up to the counter." I would like a loan of £30, 000 please." he asks the clerk, whose name is Patrick Whack. "Thirty thousand pounds? That's a lot of money, you know." says Paddy, "You'll need a collateral for that amount of money." "That's okay," says the frog, "I have this." And he pulls out of his pocket a tiny pink ceramic elephant. "What's this? I can't accept this as collateral." "Don't worry," says the frog, "I know the manager, he's a good friend of mine. Tell him his friend Kermit Jagger is here." Paddy gets up from his chair and goes to the manager's office, taking the little pink elephant with him. He shows it to the manager and says "There's a frog out there says he knows you, his name is Kermit Jagger. He want to borrow £30, 000... he gave this as collateral... what on earth is it?" The manager takes the little elephant, studies it for a more...

One of my first jobs as a new Army lieutenant in Vietnam was to build a road
across a rice paddy. Progress was slow because the paddy devoured most of the dirt we laid down. My superior officer, a major, appeared one day, determined to speed things
up.His solution was to scrape the crust off the top of the paddy and with it, construct the road. He quelled my protestations with a stern, “Lieutenant, *I'm* in charge.”He ordered a bulldozer into the paddy, but the massive monster sank in the muck. Undaunted, the major ordered another dozer to help the first one out. It, too, was soon
stuck. After a long silence, the major got into his jeep. His departing words were,
“Lieutenant, you're in charge.”

The phone rang at the motor pool and an authoritative voice demanded to know how many vehicles were operational. Jim answered, ''We've got twelve trucks, ten utilities, three staff cars and that Bentley the fat-arsed colonel swanks around in.'' There was a stony silence for a second or two.
''Do you know who you are speaking to?''
''No,'' said Paddy.
''It is the so-called fat-arsed colonel you so insubordinately referred to.''
''Well, do you know who you are talking to?''
''No,'' roared the colonel.
''Well thank goodness for that,'' said Paddy as he hung up the phone.

Paddy was picked up on a rape charge. He was placed in a lineup
with ten other fellows and the accusing woman was escorted into
the room.
Paddy jumped forward, and screamed "That's her! That's her!
I'd recognize her anywhere!"