Paddy Jokes / Recent Jokes

One day O'Leary decided to visit his friend Paddy and ask him for a favour." Paddy my friend", he said. "I'm going on holiday for a few weeks an I wanted to know if you could come around a couple a times a day to check up on me elderly ma, an feed me cat"." No problem", replied Paddy. "You go an have a good time". So the next day O'Leary left and headed for sunny Florida. However, after a week of him being there, he received a phone call from Paddy. "Everything's ok over here", Paddy said." Except you're cat. It's dead"!"oly ell", replied O'Leary. "You could have been a bit more sensitive Paddy"!"What do you mean?", replied Paddy." Well, one day you could have rang me up and told me that my cat has climbed the tree. The next day you could tell me that it has gone even higher up the tree and refuses to come down. On the third day you could tell me that the cat lost its grip and fell from the more...

Two Irishmen were walking home after a night on the beer when a severed head rolled along the ground. Mick picked it up to his face and said to Paddy "Jez, that look like Sean" to which Paddy replied "No Sean was taller than that"

Johh Major, Tony Blair and Paddy Ashdown are all killed in a plane crash.
St. Peter welcomes them to the after life and shows down this seemingly infinetely long corridor with doors down both sides. Eventually they stop at a door behind which is a stone cell with only a stone furniture. "For all the sins in your lifetime Paddy Ashdown" says St. Peter "this is your home for eternity." With that he pushes Paddy in and locks the door.
Further down the corridor is another room. Its all bare wooden furniture but there is some food on the table and access to the library. "For all your sins Tony Blair, this is your room for eternity" booms St. Peter locking the door.
Further, much further down the corridor St. Peter shows John Major into a room. Its pleasantly decorated, lots of food laid out and Cindy Crawford is there wearing hardly a thing. A smile (well the best attempt he can make) creeps over John Majors face.Then St. Peter says "Cindy more...

Although in recent years, the Irish seem to have been shamefully neglected as a good group to ridicule (except perhaps in the UK), I come from a huge (what other kind is there?) Irish family, and telling jokes at our own expense occupies a lot of our time at family gatherings, e.g.:
A VERY pregnant Irish woman awakes in the middle of the night and says to her husband, "Paddy, darlin' turn on the light, the baby's comin'"
Paddy turns on the light, and they successfully deliver a little baby, get it fed, stick it in a cradle, and go back to sleep.
A bit later, the wife says,"Bejesus, Paddy, turn on the light. It's twins, it is!"
Paddy turns on the light; second baby delivered, fed, cradled; couple goes back to sleep.
(This happens as many times as you like)
Finally, the wife awakens, and cries, "Bejesus, Paddy, another one, turn on the light!"
Paddy, without turning over in bed, says: "I will not. It's the light that's more...

Build a Road the Army WayOne of my first jobs as a new Army lieutenant in Vietnam was to build a road across a rice paddy. Progress was slow because the paddy devoured most of the dirt we laid down. My superior officer, a major, appeared one day, determined to speed things up.His solution was to scrape the crust off the top of the paddy and with it, construct the road. He quelled my protestations with a stern,? Lieutenant, *I`m* in charge.?He ordered a bulldozer into the paddy, but the massive monster sank in the muck. Undaunted, the major ordered another dozer to help the first one out. It, too, was soon stuck. After a long silence, the major got into his jeep. His departing words were,?Lieutenant, you`re in charge.?

It's Christmas time and Paddy and Shaun decided to go look for a Christmas Tree. They gathered their axe, a sled, and a broom to brush the trees off so they can get a good look at them. When they finally reach a fine stand of trees, Shaun brushes off the first tree, and stands back with Paddy to look at it. "Well, Paddy, What do you think?""Sorry, Shaun, this tree won't do. Let's try another one". They come upon another nice tree, Shaun brushes it off, and they both look at it. "How about this one, Paddy?" "Not quite, Shaun. Let's keep looking".This goes on until nightfall. Both Paddy and Shaun are cold, tired, and hungry. "Well, Paddy, what do we do now?" "Shaun, I think we should take home the next tree we find, whether it has lights on it or not..."

The local priest came across Paddy who had stumbled out of the town tavern." Paddy," he said, " I'm afraid I'll not be seeing you in Heaven one day." "Really, Father?" slurred Paddy. "What have you done?"