Paddy Jokes / Recent Jokes

Three Irishmen, Paddy, Sean and Shamus, were stumbling home late one night and found themselves on the road which led past the old graveyard."Come have a look over here," says Paddy, "Its Michael OGradys grave, God bless his soul. He lived to the ripe old age of 87." "Thats nothing," says Sean, "heres one named Patrick OToole. It says here that he was 95 when he died." Just then, Shamus yells out, "But heres a fella that died when he was 145 years old!""What was his name?" asks Paddy. Shamus lights a match to see what else is written on the stone marker, and exclaims, "Miles, from Dublin."

The local priest came across Paddy who had stumbled out of the town tavern."Paddy," he said, " Im afraid Ill not be seeing you in Heaven one day.""Really, Father?" slurred Paddy. "What have you done?"

Saddam Hussein is sitting at home when the phone rings. He picks it up and says "Hello". The voice at the end of the phone says "Hello Mr. Hussein, it's Paddy here. I'm just ringing to let you know that we've declared war on your country." SH smiles to himself, "Come on Paddy", he says, "there's no point you declaring war on us, you wouldn't stand a chance." Paddy replies, "No, no, we've had ourselves a meeting, and we've decided to declare war on you." So SH says, "OK Paddy, now listen, I've got an air force of over a thousand planes, what kind of air force have you got to match that? It'd be over in no time." So Paddy says, "Well my lad's got himself a hot-air balloon, and my brother used to work at an airport." Hussein laughs, "Oh come on, you've not got a hope". "Hold on a sec, Mr. Hussein, ", Paddy says, "we'll just have a quick meeting." So off he goes and has a quick meeting. more...

A wedding occurred just outside Cavan in Ireland.

To keep tradition going, everyone gets extremely drunk and the bride's and groom's families have a storming row and begin wrecking the reception room and generally kicking the shit out of each other. The police get called in to break up the fight.

The following week, all members of both families appear in court. The fight continues in the courtroom until the judge finally brings calm with the use of his gavel, shouting,' Silence in court!'

The courtroom goes silent and Paddy, the best man, stands up and says,
' Judge, I was the best man at the wedding and I think I should explain what happened.'

The judge agrees and asks Paddy to take the stand. Paddy begins his explanation by telling the court that it is traditional in a Cavan wedding that the best man gets the first dance with the bride.

The judge says,' OK.'

' Well,' said Paddy,' after I had finished the first more...

Paddy and Bridget had just got married. It was their wedding night in the bridal suite. Bridget was lying on her back on the bed in an incredible shimmering silky neglige whimpering "Take me Paddy, take me now".
Paddy (having been a good catholic boy) was a virgin and didn't have the faintest idea what to do next.
Suddenly he had a brilliant idea. He dashed out of the room and went to reception to ring his mum for advice.
Her advice was to put the hardest part of his body into where Bridget wees. Paddy was a bit dubious about this but his mother assured him that Bridget would love it.
Paddy came back in to the bedroom triumphantly, asked Bridget if she was ready.
Bridget shouted, "Yes, Yes, I'm ready" and then watched in amazement as Paddy ran into the bathroom and put his head down the toilet.

Paddy and his missus are lying in bed listening to the next door neighbor's dog barking.
It had been barking for hours and hours.
Suddenly, Paddy jumps out of bed and says, "I've had enough of this," and goes downstairs.
Paddy finally comes back up to bed and his wife says, "The dog is still barking. What have you been doing?"
Paddy says, "I've put their dog in our yard - now we'll see how THEY like it!"

Paddy and his two friends are talking at a bar.
His first friend says: 'I think my wife is having an affair with the electrician. The other day I came home and found wire cutters under our bed and they weren't mine.'
His second friend says: 'I think my wife is having an affair with the plummer the other day I found a wrench under the bed and it wasn't mine.'
Paddy says: 'I think my wife is having an affair with a horse.' Both his friends look at him with utter disbelief.
'No I'm serious. The other day I came home and found a jockey under our bed.'