Pain Jokes / Recent Jokes

Why do you call a womens monthly pain a period?
Because Mad Cow Disease was taken.

Artery -- Study of paintingsBacteria -- Back door of cafeteriaBarium -- What doctors do when treatment failsBowel -- Letter like A. E. I. O. UCaesarean section -- District in RomeCat scan -- Searching for kittyCauterize -- Made eye contact with herColic -- Sheep dogComa -- A punctuation markCongenital -- FriendlyD&C -- Where Washington isDiarrhea -- Journal of daily eventsDilate -- To live longEnema -- Not a friendFester -- QuickerFibula -- A small lieG. I. Series -- Soldiers' ball gameGrippe -- SuitcaseHangnail -- CoathookImpotent -- Distinguished, well knownIntense pain -- Torture in a teepeeLabor pain -- Got hurt Work jokesMedical staff -- Doctor's caneMorbid -- Higher offerNitrate -- Cheaper than day rateNode -- Was aware ofOutpatient -- Person who had faintedPelvis -- Cousin of ElvisPost operative -- Letter carrierProtein -- Favoring young peopleRectum -- It almost killed himRecovery room -- Place to do upholsteryRheumatic -- AmorousScar -- Rolled tobacco leafSecretion -- Hiding more...

Patient: How much to have this tooth pulled? Dentist: With pain $200 and without pain $100. Patient: Well, without pain it's cheaper. Pull it WITHOUT pain. Without anesthesia neither anything, the dentist begins to extract the tooth, when the patient outcry: Aaaahhhhhhhh! !!!! Hey, WITH pain it costs $200! !!, replies the dentist.

One Star Hangover (*)
No pain. No real feeling of illness. You're able to function
relatively well. However, you are still parched. You can drink
5 sodas and still feel this way. For some reason, you are
craving a steak & fries.
Two Star Hangover (**)
No pain, but something is definitely amiss. You may look okay,
but you have the mental capacity of a staple gun. The coffee
you are chugging is only increasing your rumbling gut, which
is still tossing around the fruity pancake from the 3:00 AM
Waffle House excursion.
Three Star Hangover (***)
Slight headache. Stomach in knots. You are definitely not
productive. Anytime a girl walks by you gag because her perfume
reminds you of the flavored schnapps shots your alcoholic
friends dared you to drink. Life would be better right now
if you were home in your bed watching Lucy reruns. You've had
4 cups of coffee, a gallon of water, 3 iced teas and a diet
Coke - yet you more...

A woman goes to her doctor who verifies that she is pregnant. This is her first pregnancy.
The doctor asks her if she has any questions.
She replies, "Well, I'm a little worried about the pain. How much will childbirth hurt?"
The doctor answered, "Well, that varies from woman to woman and pregnancy to pregnancy and besides, it's difficult to describe pain."
"I know, but can't you give me some idea?," she asks.
"Grab your upper lip and pull it out a little..."
"Like this?"
"A little more..."
"Like this?"
"No. A little more..."
"Like this?"
"Yes. Does that hurt?"
"A little bit."
"Now stretch it over your head!"

Republic Insurance Company

Carson, California

Dear Sir:

I am writing in response to your request for additional information.

In block number 3 of the accident reporting form, I put "POOR PLANNING" as the cause of my accident. You said in your letter that I should elaborate more fully, and I trust that the following details will be sufficient:

I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new six story building. When I completed my work I discovered that I had about 500 pounds of brick left over. Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley which fortunately was attached to the side of the building, at the sixth floor. Securing the rope at ground level, I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out, and loaded the brick into it. Then I went back to the ground and untied the rope, holding it tightly to insure a slow descent of more...

Arriving at their honeymoon suite the newlyweds realize that since they were both brought up the old traditional way, both were still virgins and neither knew how to have sex. After half an hour of trying to figure out how to go about things, the husband comes up with an idea.
"Ok, honey," he says, "here's what we'll do. You go into the bathroom and I'll go into the closet. We'll both get undressed and turn off the lights in the bedroom. On the count of three, we'll rush out at each other and it will happen right in the middle of the bedroom."
Not having any better ideas, the wife agrees. She goes into the bathroom and he goes into the closet. The anticipation is driving him crazy and as he starts to remove his clothes he begins to get an erection.
The wife turns off the lights and on the count of three they both rush out into the bedroom towards each other. Since the room is so dark, the husband becomes disoriented and rushes right past his wife... more...