Pain Jokes / Recent Jokes

A married couple rushed to the hospital because the woman was in labor the doctor asked the couple, "I have invented a new machine that you might want to try, it takes some of the labor pains away from the mother and gives it to the father." So the married couple decided that they would try this. So the doctor hooked the machine up and put it on 10% of pain switched from the mother to the father and the husband said "I feel okay turn it up a lot more" so the doctor turned it up to 50% and the husband said "why don`t you just put it all on me cause I`m not feeling a thing" but the doctor warned them "this much could kill you if your not prepared", and the husband replied "I am ready "so the doctor turned the machine up to 100% but the husband didn`t fell a thing so they went home happy with a pain free labor, but when they got home the mailman was dead on the front porch!

One day a child and his father are on a bike ride down a country lane until the man falls off, and shouts BASTARD as he wimpers in pain and the child asks "Daddy what does bastard mean". The man still wimpering in pain looks around and searches for something and he sees a police car in the distance and says to his son, "Bastard means police man son". Later on when they get home, the man is watching a football match and has just lost a bet on it and shouts "My arse" due to an offside and the child asks his dad, "What does my arse mean dad?" so the man puzzled again looks around and looks at the door and sees the doormat, and says "Doormat son, doormat" later that night, the man is shaving and cuts himself and screams "SHIT!" and the little boy asks what shit means. His father still holding his face feels the shaving cream and says "Shaving cream son, shaving cream," The little boy walks downstairs and his mum has more...

A married couple went to he hospital to have their baby
delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new
machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to
the father.
He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much
in favor of it. The doctor set the pain transfer dial to 10% for
starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the
father had ever experienced before.
But as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the
doctor to go ahead and bump it up a notch. The doctor then
adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband was still
feeling fine. The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and was
amazed at how well he was doing.
At this point they decided to try for 50%.
The husband continued to feel quite well. Since it was obviously
helping out his wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor
to more...

A Polish woman goes to the doctor. She tell the doctor that she hurts all over. So the doctor tells her to touch her chest. She does and screams with pain. He tells her to touch her knee. She does, and again screams with pain. He now tells her to touch her arm. And yet again screams from pain. Finally the doctor says, "You have a broken finger."

A man took his pregnant wife to the hospital to give birth. The doctor told them that he'd developed a new machine and asked if they'd like to try it. The machine would take some of the woman's pain away and give it to the father thereby easing the mothers burden.
The couple thought it was a good idea and agreed to give it a try. The Doc set it on 10% to begin with, telling the man that 10% was still probably more pain than he had ever felt. The man was surprised at how little pain he was feeling and asked for it to be increased. The doctor turned it up to 20% with the same results. This trend continued until the machine was set at 100%.
After the delivery both mother and father felt fine. The wife was relieved at having an almost painless labor and the father was still amazed at how little pain was actually involved. Later, when they took the baby home, they found the mailman dead on their doorstep.

Anally - occuring yearly
Artery - study of paintings
Bacteria - back door of cafeteria
Barium - what doctors do when treatment fails
Bowel - letter like A, E, I, O, U
Caesarian Section - district in Rome
Cat Scan - searching for kitty
Cauterize - make eye contact with her
Colic - sheep dog
Coma - a punctuation mark
Congenital - friendly
D&C - where Washington is
Diarrhea - a journal of daily events
Dilate - to live long
Enema - not a friend
Fester - quicker
Fibula - a small lie
Genital - non-Jewish
G. I. Series - soldires' ball game
Grippe - suitcase
Hangnail - coathook
Impotent - distinguished, well known
Intense Pain - torture in a teepee
Labour Pain - got hurt at work
Medical Staff - doctor's cane
Morbid - higher offer
Nitrate - cheaper than day rate
Node - was aware of
Outpatient - person who had fainted
Pap Smear - fatherhood more...

At Sunday school, they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. Little Johnny seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs.
Later in the week, his mother noticed him lying down as though he was ill, and she said, "Johnny, what is the matter?"
Little Johnny responded, "I have pain in my side. I think I am going to have a wife."