Panic Jokes / Recent Jokes
Two men met while both where looking for their lost wives.
1st: How yours look like?
2nd: She is 5"7, 36-24-36, Fair, Black eyes. What about yours?
1st: Forget mine. Lets find yours!!
Man comes home, finds his wife with his friend in bed.
He shoots his friend to death.
Wife says, "If you behave like this, you will lose ALL your friends".
Small Boy wrote to Santa Claus," send me a brother"
Santa wrote back," SEND ME YOUR MOTHER"
What is the definition of Mistress?
Someone between the Mister and Mattress
Husband asks, "Do u know the meaning of WIFE??
"Without Information Fighting Everytime"
Wife replies," No, It means,
"With Idiot For Ever! !!"
Three Feelings:
What's the difference between stress, tension and panic?
Stress is when wife is pregnant,
Tension is when girlfriend is pregnant, and
Panic is more...
Panic
Mrs. Smith: Help me, doctor! Little Tommy's swallowed the can-opener!
Doctor: Don't panic. He'll be alright.
Mrs. Smith: But how do I open the friggin beans, the toast's getting cold!
The following excerpt is from the US Government Peace Corps Manual for volunteers working in the Amazon Jungle. It details what to do if an anaconda attacks you. Related to the boa constrictor, the anaconda is the largest snake species in the world. It grows to thirty-five feet in length and weighs 300 to 400 pounds.
1. If you are attacked by an anaconda, do not run. The snake is faster than you are.
2. Lie flat on the ground. Put your arms tight against your sides, your legs tight against one another.
3. Tuck your chin in.
4. The snake will begin to nudge and climb over your body.
5. Do not panic.
6. After the snake has examined you, it will begin to swallow you from the feet end - always from the feet end. Permit the snake to swallow your feet and ankles. Do not panic!
7. The snake will now begin to suck your legs into its body. You must lie perfectly still. This will take a long time.
8. When more...
What's the difference between stress, tension and panic? Stress is when wife is pregnant, tension is when girlfriend is pregnant, and panic is when both are pregnant.
When a man's wife went into labor, he immediately dialed 911 in a panic.
As soon as the dispatcher answered, he cried, "Help! My wife is having a baby. Her contractions are only two minutes apart. What do I do?"
"Calm down," the dispatcher said. "Is this her first child?"
"NO!" the frantic man exclaimed. "This is her husband!"
Whats the difference between fear and panic?
Fear: That someone might come along and stick an Umbrella up your ass...
Panic: That they decide to open it up while its still in there....