Panic Jokes

A couple are driving along the freeway and the husband, who is driving, is complaining about everything... the heat, the long drive, the bad drivers, the country, etc... and his wife is getting tired of his depressing talk. So she says to him: "One more complaint and I'll cut your penis off with my pen-knife".
About half an hour later, he starts complaining again, and before he could blink his wife pulls out her knife, slices the guy's dick off, and throws it out the window.
Driving behind the couple's car is a family of three: husband, wife, and a 8 year old daughter. The penis lands on their car's windshield, and the father, in an absolute panic (as he doesn't want his daughter to see the penis), quickly turns on the windshield wipers (to get the dick off the windshield, and out of view of his daughter).
The observant daughter asks: "Daddy, what was that?"
Her father, still in a panic, says, "Oh it was only a... uh... more...

This is the story of the night my ten-year-old cat, Rudy, got his head stuck in the garbage disposal. I knew at the time that the experience would be funny if the cat survived, so let me tell you right up front that he's fine. Getting him out wasn't easy, though, and the process included numerous home remedies, a plumber, two cops, an emergency overnight veterinary clinic, a case of mistaken identity, five hours of panic, and fifteen minutes of fame.

My husband, Rich, and I had just returned from a vacation in the Cayman Islands, where I had been sick as a dog the whole time, trying to convince myself that if I had to feel lousy, it was better to do it in paradise. We had arrived home at 9 p.m., a day and a half later than we had planned because of airline problems. I still had illness-related vertigo, and because of the flight delays, had not been able to prepare the class I was supposed to teach at 8:40 the next morning. I sat down at my desk to think and around ten more...

Pride is what you feel when your kids net $143 from a garage sale.
Panic is what you feel when you realize your car is missing.

What's the difference between stress, tension and panic? Stress is when wife is pregnant, tension is when girlfriend is pregnant, and panic is when both are pregnant.

NEG FRI FRI FRI THU
WED TUE
8 7 6 5 4 32
16 15 14 12 11 10
9
23 22 21 20 19 18
17
32 30 28 27 26 25
24
3938373635
3433
1. This is a special calendar for handling rush jobs.
All rush jobs are wanted yesterday. With this
calendar a job can be ordered on the 7th and delivered
on the 3rd.
2. Most jobs are required by Friday, so there are three
Fridays in every week.
3. There are eight new days added to each month to allow
for end-of-the-month panic jobs.
4. There is no 1st of the month - thus avoiding late
delivery of the previous month's last-minute panic jobs.
5. Monday morning hangovers are abolished together with
non-productive Saturdays and Sundays.
6. A new day - Negotiation Day - has been introduced keeping
the other days free for uninterrupted panic.