Panic Jokes / Recent Jokes

One day a gentleman was sitting in his office on the nineteenth floor in a building. A man came running in to his office and shouted "Jhon… your daughter Anna just died in an accident right opposite this building"
The gentleman was in panic. Not knowing what to do he jumped out from his office window. While coming down when he was near the fourteenth floor he remembered he didn't have a daughter named Anna. When he was near the seventh floor he remembered he was not married yet. When he was about to hit the ground he remembered he is not Jhon.

A couple are driving along the freeway and the husband, who is driving, is complaining about everything... the heat, the long drive, the bad drivers, the country, etc... and his wife is getting tired of his depressing talk. So she says to him: "One more complaint and I'll cut your penis off with my pen-knife".About half an hour later, he starts complaining again, and before he could blink his wife pulls out her knife, slices the guy's dick off, and throws it out the window.Driving behind the couple's car is a family of three: husband, wife, and a 8 year old daughter. The penis lands on their car's windshield, and the father, in an absolute panic (as he doesn't want his daughter to see the penis), quickly turns on the windshield wipers (to get the dick off the windshield, and out of view of his daughter).The observant daughter asks: "Daddy, what was that?"Her father, still in a panic, says, "Oh it was only a... uh... butterfly"."Must've been a big more...

Q. What's the difference between "anxiety" and "panic?"
A. "Anxiety" is when, for the first time, you can't do it the second time.
"Panic" is when, for the second time, you can't do it the first time.

The Equation:
7 Glance = 1 Smile
7 Smile = 1 Meeting
7 Meeting = 1 Kiss
7 Kisses = 1 Proposal
7 Proposal = 1 Marriage -
And that 1 @@@@@@ marriage has 7777777777777 Problems.
So beware of glance!
Plan For Future:
Teacher asks children, what do u wish 2 do in future?
Ram: I want 2 b a pilot.
Vinod: I want 2 b a doctor.
Deepa: I want 2 b a good mother.
Ravi: I want 2 help Deepa.
Exams:
Exams are like GIRL FRIENDS;
1. Too Many Questions.
2. Difficult to Understand.
3. More Explanation is Needed.
4. Resultis always FAIL!
Delivered:
Sardar sent a SMS to his pregnant wife. Two seconds later a report came to his phone and he started dancing.
The report said, "DELIVERED".
ThreeFeelings:
What's the difference between stress, tension and panic?
Stress is when wife is pregnant,
Tension is when girlfriend is pregnant, and
Panic is when both are more...

I used to be smug about the Y2K problem even though it was definitely a problem with 100% probability of occurrence. But then I got to thinking about chaos theory and what really causes big problems and disasters. It's the little unexpected things. For example, a barge strikes a bridge causing a train to fall into the water. Who would have predicted that?
So, here's what you really need to watch out for in 1999:
El Kabong. We all know about the problems caused by El Nino and La Nina. No one expects them both to occur simultaneously! They say it's impossible. Ergo, what do you suppose will happen? Both El Nino and La Nina at the same time. I call it El Kabong! It turns out to be the greatest natural disaster in modern time - but wait, there is finally some good news...
Due to the change to the Euro-dollar, a software glitch introduced by a Y2K date fix prevents a stock market meltdown. Investors would have been saved billions when what was just a 1-day panic was suddenly more...

NEG FRI FRI FRI THU WED TUE
8 7 6 5 4 3 2
16 15 14 12 11 10 9
23 22 21 20 19 18 17
32 30 28 27 26 25 24
39 38 37 36 35 34 33
1. This is a special calendar for handling rush jobs. All rush jobs are needed yesterday. With this calendar, a job or project can be ordered on the 7th and delivered on the 3rd.
2. Many companies set Friday deadlines, so there are three Fridays in every week. This is also beneficial for those persons who are paid on Fridays.
3. There are eight new days added to each month, to allow for month-end panic jobs.
4. There is no 1st of the month, thus avoiding late delivery of the previous month's last-minute panic jobs.
5. Monday morning hangovers are abolished, along with non-productive Saturdays and Sundays.
6. A new day - Negotiation Day - has been introduced keeping the other days free for uninterrupted panic.

The following is from the US Government Peace Corps Manual for its volunteers who work in the Amazon Jungle. It tells what to do in case you are attacked by an anaconda, the largest snake in the world. It is a relative of the boa constrictor, it grows to thirty-five feet in length and weighs between three and four hundred pounds at the maximum.
This is what the manual said:
1. If you are attacked by an anaconda, do not run. The snake is faster than you are.
2. Lie flat on the ground. Put your arms tight against your sides, your legs tight against one another
3. Tuck your chin in.
4. The snake will come and begin to nudge and climb over your body.
5. Do not panic
6. After the snake has examined you, it will begin to swallow you from the feet and - always from the end. Permit the snake to swallow your feet and ankles. Do not panic.
7. The snake will now begin to suck your legs into its body. You must lie perfectly still. This will take a long time.
8. more...